Ladies, and gentlemen of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I have for you a news flash of sorts: A VAST MAJORITY OF YOU ARE NOT HEROES!
In the age where everyone gets a trophy, this is by far the most infuriating. Telling an entire generation of military men and women that they are heroes when they are not gives them a false sense of entitlement, and achievement. Please don’t assume that I’m talking about ALL military men and women, just the ones who sit on major FOBs like Bagram and Kandahar and waste not only space, but my tax dollars as well. If you actively manned a gun, kicked in doors, jumped out of planes, or provided fire or air support, you are a hero. If you pulled the wounded out of battle, or patched them up when they touched down, then you are a hero. If you sat in your office, bitching about shitty coffee while wearing an M-9 you have no clue how to operate, you ARE NOT a hero…… and you know it. Please stop acting like your tour here was so difficult. Please stop carrying yourself like we owe you something. Please stop pretending that you were at any point, useful. You don’t deserve a parade upon return, and none of you deserve a Bronze Star just for playing Nerf-Warfighter. To all those folks that make the actual mission happen, you have my respect. To all those who have lost someone in combat as I have, you have my condolences. To all you who lost your reflective belts and couldn’t go to the DFAC on Steak and Lobster Day…. Fuck you!
If you are unclear after all the words you may, or may not have read. I have included pictures of people who are heroes, and pictures of those who are not heroes. And just because I can foresee someone getting butthurt and calling me out, I’ll say this. I know where I fit in the whole equation. Contractors have never gotten parades…….
Hero…..
take notice of the attachments… not a hero
heroes……
I’m sure he has PTSD from the THOUGHT of SOMEONE ELSE in combat…. not a hero
world class door kicking… heroes
“Seriously mom… I didn’t do anything today…. it was so hard. This 3 months is just so brutal” not a hero
Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebs, I have compiled a list of my favorite words from the year 2012, and their assumed definitions. Some of the words are new, others have made a comeback, and some just never went anywhere. Without any further delay, (except your reading speed, that’s the only delay. You might want to work on that…. Or not.) here is your list! Oh, the list will contain some very salty language.
1: Fucktard: This word is derived from the phrase “fucking retard”. It rolls off the tongue perfectly, and is used to describe someone who you may feel is “fucking retarded”. Not to be used to describe someone who is actually mentally deficient.
Seemed like a good idea at the time….
2: Twat Waffle: This is a $5 word for cunt. Cunt is not as popular in American dialogue like it is in British, and Australian dialogue, but we have many euphemisms, for that particular euphemism.
Yep…… you dirty minded people…..
3: Douchhammer: Someone who is such a douchebag, that they transcend your basic garden variety douche behaviors. If douchebags were mystical weapons, the douchehammer is Thor’s hammer, of doucheiness. Guys who wear fauxhawks and wear Tap-Out clothing.
Another term for this person is “Sir”…..
4: Fuckwit: Yet another word that is based in a phrase, “fucking nitwit”. I would assume that the individual deemed a fuckwit is probably frustratingly stupid, but not quite as much as the fucktard is. And as a bonus, Microsoft Word failed to spell check the word which gives it some serious legitimacy.
Put him in greens and there you go….
5: Dipshidiot: A wonder blend of the terms Dipshit, and Idiot. While technically not a swear word, using it in public will garner looks as you blaze a trail into the insult wilderness. A Dipshidiot is someone who simply lacks common sense, and is kinda presumptuous about it.
6: Struggle Snuggle: A colorful term used to describe rape/sexual assault. It is usually used between friends in an attempt to make someone feel uncomfortable. This is probably a military/fraternity exclusive. Nowhere else would it be remotely acceptable.
It’s OK, they’re only fruit…..
7: Surprise Sex: Rape. Apparently someone figured out that as long as you yell “SURPRISE” before penetration, that it’s not rape….. but is it.
I hope he’s getting his fair share of surprise sex…. prison style
8: Fuck: This word has endless uses. How could it not be on the list?
9: Thundercunt: An exceptionally horrible woman. The word can be used to describe males as well, but this word is normally used to describe a needlessly rude, abrasive, or otherwise dickish woman.
Another term for this one is “ma’am”
10: Blue Waffle: Just Google it……. I’ll wait.
11: Pacqiouing: To lay face down on any horizontal surface and have someone take a picture of you. Boxing gloves are used to enhance the photo.
The hopes and dreams of a nation were unconscious on the mat for about 3 minutes….
12: Afghandyland, Dirtbagistan, Douchbagistan, any horrible word -istan….: Derogatory terms to describe Afghanistan either due to the actual country and its flora and fauna, its people, or the rules and regulations imposed by the military. Can also be used to describe Pakistan.
What they don’t illustrate is the fact that all the folks here suck.
13: Moon Dust: The extra fine dust that permeates everything you own. It ruins air filters, shoes, clothing, pretty much everything. When wet, it absorbs just enough water to become a sludge that stick to everything. It is normally found in such places as Afghanistan, Kuwait, Iraq, or any country where a majority of the populace wants to kill us.
“Are we landed yet?!” “I don’t know sir, let go of the stick and we’ll find out! I can’t see shit!” “Roger that crew chief!”
14: Dirty Contractor: Someone who was once a member of the military, but left to make more money as a contractor. They are usually looked at with disdain by those still in uniform until they are about to retire, then they are looked at as potential employers.
yep, pretty much….
15: Fuckbag: Someone who cannot be described as a fuck in the singular sense. This person has angered others to where they must be described as a bag of loosely organized fucks. This is not a term of endearment.
Words that didn’t make the cut:
YOLO: This word is stupid, and only stupid people use it.
I was going to write a piece about my favorite words of 2012, but I’ve decided to write about something a little closer to the heart. I’ve decided to write about the loss of my mother, which has affected me in ways I could not have anticipated, or prepared for. It’s affected me in ways I don’t even fully understand, and can barely articulate. I’m going to attempt to put these changes, and feelings and everything into writing in hopes that those few people who actually read the words I labor over can make some sense over who I am right now. I hoping I can make some sense over who I’ve become. I hoping SOMEONE can make some sense of it all. I’m struggling with it, and I fear that my perception may not be what it should be, or that’s it’s sharper than it ever has been before.
When I learned that my mother had actually passed away, I was in the Delta Airlines lounge in the Atlanta airport. I had jumped on WiFi on my phone and began messaging my wife. She had told me that she had died, and when. She told me how she found out, my crackhead uncle who was there for the whole thing told her via phone call. It’s thought amongst the family that he lost himself after the passing of his mother, my grandmother. Since he was the youngest, he took it the hardest and simply lost himself in drugs. As my wife tells me that my mother has passed, I don’t really feel much at that point in time. I had steeled myself so that I could complete my travels, which I took to viewing as a mission. A mission that I couldn’t fail no matter what. I completed eating my snacks or breakfast or whatever you would call what I ate, and proceeded to my next flight. I sat in the terminal, still not really feeling much. I might have e-mailed my boss in Afghanistan to what happened just so I could keep them abreast as I moved about taking care of things. Honestly, I can’t recall my whole thought process at that time. I got on my flight, and ultimately I made it home. I was still hardened to information, still emotionally offline, still not allowing myself to feel anything. It was business, business only I could address, as I had no faith that my family would be available to support, or even willing. I had a fairly low opinion of my family. My uncles in my eyes were abject failures who could not be looked to for any kind of support or guidance. I saw them as petty fools, unable to get out of their own ways to accomplish the simplest of tasks. The fact that my crackhead uncle survived by exploiting my mother’s kindness did not sit well with me, and adversely influenced how I saw them as a whole. My grandfather, now a feeble old man was apparently the cause of all of this madness, but I never saw why they never made an effort to change their own lives. I had steeled myself so that if I was to be met with disappointment in their inability or reluctance to assist, that the shock would not be as traumatic. I also felt that I had to be the strong one for my family. I had to be the man, or at least what I thought was the man and be that unmoving pillar of perpetual support for all those around me. I’m home, but emotionally I was elsewhere, it was all business. I load up the family to begin the 5 hour drive from our home in Jacksonville, to my mother’s home in Mount Holly, which is near Charlotte. While I was there I would address her belongings, the funeral preparations, and her cremation per her wishes. It was all business. I felt nothing. I was not emotionally there yet, I could not allow a weakness such as emotion to arrive lest I fall apart and fail to complete my mission of making sure she was laid to rest. When the paperwork had been completed in Mount Holly, I had to view the body. I wept. I simply said the words “Thank you” and I wept. I wept and I held my family so close. I squeezed my wife and daughters and I cried harder than I have in all of my adulthood and adolescence. I’ve lost friends, mentors, and fellow Marines, and I have always been saddened which led to anger, but for my mother I wept. I sobbed like a child, because I was her child. I remembered all the things she had done for me. All the sacrifices she had made for me. Everything she had tried to teach me. I remembered how she did all these things on her own as a single mother, while trying to fill the role of her deceased mother and hold her family together. I remembered her trying to stay strong during her fight with the cancer that killed her, so she would be there to watch her granddaughters grow. I wept for all these things. My emotions had finally arrived. When faced with my mother’s body, the one who bore me onto the earth, I had broken and my emotions were allowed…. Finally. With that burst of emotion out, I was able to steel myself once again. I had not laid my mother to rest, and I would not rest until I had done so. I have no idea why I followed this train of thought. I felt that she deserved nothing less than my full abilities and talents, and I felt there was no way to give her that if I was openly grieving, but a part of me wishes I had. After the viewing, I was able to pull myself together enough to go back to handling business, and handle business I did. Despite several snafus along the way, I was able to deliver her urn to Philadelphia where she would be honored and finally laid to rest. There was a beautiful service, and I was very very involved in the entire process down to me actually designing the programs for the service. My cousin Darren was a big part of this too, as he works in the funeral services industry and helped do some advanced work in Philly prior to our arrival. After the service, which coincidentally was on my oldest daughter’s birthday, we went to have some fun. I did not want the specter of her grandmother’s death forever clouding her birthday, so we did what we had to in order to make sure she would remember having a good time on her birthday. Little things, I wanted my kids to be happy even when I was so sad and broken inside. Fun is over and we return to Jacksonville, and attempt to return to some sense of normalcy. The kids went back to school after missing 10 days, and I tried to help along things there were happening in the house. I tried to help with homework, home improvements, and the normal things I would take care of if I were home. Something normal. If I stayed busy enough, I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions that I knew were stirring inside. I was able to make it all the way back to Afghanistan before my emotions saw fit to manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Self-loathing took on a whole new light. I have more days where I feel like a worthless hunk of shit here, than I have anywhere else in my life. The solitude of this place has allowed me to descend into a great sadness. I’m surrounded by people who care about how I’m doing, but it’s of no comfort to me. I’ve found myself engaged in self destructive thinking, to what ends I don’t know. I wept in my office, I’ve wept in my room. I feel like there is something missing in my life. Like I’ve come home to find that my home is empty. That’s how I feel, empty. I feel lost. I feel forsaken, and forgotten. I feel unloved, and unlovable. There is dark cloud over me these days, and I don’t know what to do about it. Up to this point, I wasn’t able to look inside to see why I was feeling how I was, but here I am 60+ days after the death of my mother, and I am grieving. I am alone, I am cold, I am desperate, and I am grieving. My world no longer makes sense to me, and even though I know why I am here, I still question myself, then I chastise myself for wavering. Hell, a part of me is upset because I ripped off the Band-Aid and sat down to write this, once again allowing emotion to flow. I’m at a loss people. I’m adrift inside my own mind right now, and I don’t know how long it will take to regain steerage. I ask that you bear with me, through my good days, and my bad days. I ask that you don’t turn your backs on me, because I need you now more than I ever have before. I don’t need your sympathy, just your understanding. I don’t need your words of encouragement, just your ears sometimes. I need to be able to be weak, without being judged. I need to be human. I need to be a son who has lost his only mother.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted something. This has been due to a combination of shitty internet speeds, censorship, and laziness (one leads to the other in this case). I’m back in Kuwait in a holding pattern trying to get into Iraq. “Why are you going to Iraq Dirty?” Good question! “I thought all the troops left Iraq.” Very astute of you! “I need answers damnitt!” Hold your horses, I will explain. I was/am going to Iraq to fill in for someone who had to go home for a family emergency, mainly because I’m a team player but also because I’ve never been there. I was supposed to just fly right in and start work, but that is not how it’s been going. Apparently Iraq has been making the visa process rather painful as part of their “WE ARE A REAL COUNTRY” campaign. They even snatched up a couple of Blackwater guys and held them for a while for not having the proper papers. I am not in a rush to be held in the custody of the Iraqi equivalent of ICE/INS. Being deported could have positive repercussions (free trip home) but I am not in a rush to go through all that BS.
Notice how Iraq is the chewy center of what I like to call "Super Happy Fun Land"
Either way, because we are NOT trying to get apprehended and/or deported we are TRYING to apply for the Iraqi visa. The problem lies in the fact that the Iraqis don’t quite know what the hell they are doing at this point. They are taking forever to process any visas, and they seem to change the rules quite often. This is in fact quite a showstopper. It’s really not that bad of a situation to be in though. I’m not getting rockets shot at me in the “stan, but I’m not at home on my couch either. This place is a real purgatory. Neither here, nor there, and because of that it sucks. Best case is that I get to go and help this guy out so he can go home and take care of his business. Worst case is that I go back to the ‘stan. There really isn’t a loss in any of this. Oh, silly me! I forgot to recap the last FOREVER in how I ended up here. I think my last post was from my apartment in Kuwait. Well, I lot has gone down since then.
"My" "Living Room" I had to share it with another guy, who is another post altogether.
I have since found my way to Afghanistan under employment of ITT on the MST in Bagram. I worked there for about a month when I was sent south to Kandahar to do an install. The install itself is a whole new post due to the amount of fail I experienced while working for/with the army. So there I am in Kandahar feverently trying to undo all the fail the army buried itself under when a strange man walks into the facility and asks the question to end all questions…. “Who wants a job?” Of course I, neck deep in army fail reply “I want a job.” From that point I am interviewed, the resume is submitted, I am vetted by several people, and ultimately hired. I then go back to Bagram and submit my resignation (2 week notice) and immediately start catching hell from ITT management. So here I am, trying to do right by the company, and they are fucking with me. So not cool. Fortunately, we had collectively foresaw this happening and was set for an immediate hire. Being as ITT decided to act like a bag of dicks, I re-submitted my resignation effective immediately. (That’ll teach them turds!)
It should say "Engineered to suck" Worst. Company. Ever.
After some rigorous on the job training from the boss, I am left to my own devices as he takes a quick vacation. He did leave another guy there to help me out, but he was more of a suicide watch than anything else. The first couple of days on my own, I was overly caffeinated, on edge, and petrified of failure. After a few days I calmed down and was able to get things done. Since I survived my trial by fire (I swear this is the only way my life operates…) I was welcomed into the family formally. I then took my spot in Kandahar and have been there since. I have gotten quite a bit done, but I need to reach the level of the boss man where I can make anything happen that I need to happen. It takes time, but that is one of my goals.
It's time for the Big Time!
I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes army officers like to shit on contractors, and when I say sometimes, I mean all the time. But eventually they all come to their senses and request my help. Most times I just smile knowing that they act out of jealousy and resentment. My inner Marine keeps me professional, but my inner asshole keeps track. I will have mine, whether it be on payday or some other occasion, but I will have mine. Thank you for your time in reading this blog. Drive safely!
Ladies and gentlemen, as it stands, right this second I am free. Free from the bonds, and tyrannical rule of the Infamous Foot Button. I can now walk somewhat normal, and stretch my toes without pain. This is most definitely a good thing. I’ve been button free for about two weeks now, and I must say that it is, in fact the shit! In about 3 days my cast will be removed. I’ll be able to wash my leg and entire foot, and walk more normally. I’ll be moving up to the space boot from the cast so I’m not out of the woods yet.
Kinda like this....
But more like this….
yeah, nowhere near as cool as the name implies
I can’t wait until I get to wear this travesty as it will be the last step in my surgery recovery that actively hinders my movement, and I need some movement in my life in the worst way. I could go to lose some weight, and diet only does so much for me. I need to work out as well, and work out a lot.
Diet my ass!!
Either way, I need to get back in the gym, and that begins this week. I look forward to it. I’ll I have left to do is check out, and work out. Consider it done!
I'm going to steal all of your shit!
I woke up this morning to Onslow County Sheriffs cars parked across the street from my house. Apparently some teenagers had gone through all the cars in the area stealing shit. I mean the fuckers covered some serious ground, they went through two different, yet connected sub-divisions. They weren’t breaking into cars, but if your car was unlocked they were going to go through your shit. I’ve been known to leave my car unlocked, but I also leave nothing of value in my car. This time my car was locked, and none of my nothing was missing.
yep, it's all here....
Some of my neighbors weren’t so lucky. They left some very important things in plain view in an unlocked car. Shit like this is bound to happen. I mean if you put it out there people will take advantage of the situation. The cars have working AUTOMATIC locks on the key chain, working AUTOMATIC locks on the doors, and possibly working ALARM systems, none of which were used. Makes you wonder how people have anything at all. We all have our ideas on who we think the thief is. I don’t know the turds name, but he’s the only teenager I’ve met out here that I’ve damn near put into the ground. I mean this kid had me hot, I was really gonna send this fucker limping home to his father (a senior Marine, mind you) in hopes that I could beat his ass too if her tried to defend his shit stain son. He set off my neighbor, then me, and then the other neighbor all within seconds of each other. He had some of his boys with him, but they clearly did not want 800 pounds of pain coming their way. My kids were watching me flip out and they started crying thinking I was gonna kill this kid and go to jail. My wife was worried too untill she heard him say this key phrase “My dad is a Master Sergeant!”. Sorry son, your gangster membership has been revoked, you are no longer allowed to pretend to be hard, you can’t even make my wife scared of you. You fail at being gangster. You fail, so very very bad.
"Hurry up mom, take the picture!" "Dudes, we are SOOOO gangster!"
I actually HOPE it’s him, and that one of us catches him. That will be an asswhippin to remember. I’d YouTube that shit in a heartbeat! Let me put up one more fake gangsta picture. I don’t think you fully understand how NOT gangsta these kids were.
Just because I hope he can read, and reads this.
Bitches!
Here is a link to some more fake gangsta pics because seriously, fuck those kids!
That’s all I got for today. I should have more next weekend as I have a birthday, get my cast removed, and return to work this week. Should be pretty eventful. I look forward to sharing it with you guys.
And here is some WTF for the road.
The sad part was that the kid drove there because mommy was too drunk.....
Why is she famous again?
Google these guys, find them, then burn them to the ground
I got nothin.....
are they out of paper or something?
You know she is just foaming at the mouth waiting of March 14th!
With that one, don’t let March 14th catch you off guard. Get your favorite cut of steak lined up, as well as your favorite lip gloss. Celebrate with style, and enthusiasm. Feel free to leave a comment folks. I’m out!
Well ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I return to you once again with yet another blog. No doubt I will use colorful language, images, and topics throughout this post. Some of you might be amused. Some of you might be offended. Some of you will just take it all in stride. Some of you will in fact, read the words I have labored to type, and still others will just look at the pictures. Hey whatever floats your boat, I’m just happy to be here. No on to the topics at hand.
like a doughnut please.... and this time with some fucking enthusiasm!!!!
As some of you might know I recently posted a blog about Valentine’s Day, and my views of it. If you hadn’t, allow me to give you a quick refresher. Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday with no real meaning. It is yet another way for people to sell a bunch of shit to people who can’t afford them (men), in an attempt to impress someone else (women) in a misplaced gesture of affection. Valentine’s Day would be completely pointless if you treated your significant others with the love and respect they deserve all year long. However, in Japan Valentine’s Day is based around showering the MEN with gifts of flowers and chocolate. The women have White Day which ironically is March 14, in which they are showered with gifts. The role reversal is refreshing, but in this country/culture there is no role reversal possible because there is no day set aside for men. Now this is not my idea. I did n’t come up with this but I stand behind it completely. Starting this year March 14 needs to be set aside as…… Steak and BJ day. That’s right. Steak and BJ day. The ladies will cook a steak for their man, and hook him up with one of the most selfless acts a woman can perform.
Ladies, stop being so selfish.....
Some might say that I, and other who follow this line of thinking are misogynistic assholes who hate women. Quite the contrary. We are the same people who go out of their way to make sure SHE had a memorable Valentine’s day. We are the flower giving, champaign pouring, meal cooking, foot rubbing guys who show our love and affection on every possible occasion. All we ask is that you show US some love and appreciation by doing for us. Nothing about oral sex is nasty in a monogamous relationship. Nothing is nasty about sex. We have a pretty ass backward view of sex to begin with, which is shocking considering it’s how we all ended up here. While we will call out the men to bend over backwards into the range of ridiculous extravagance just to show they love someone else, all we ask in return is the simple act of a good meal, and a BJ. Yes ladies, please dress sexy, and put some effort into it. We would for you. We do for you. You don’t have to be in a traditional relationship to celebrate Valentine’s Day, nor Steak and BJ day. Just know your roles and play accordingly.
and yes, doing this is a plus.....
Let’s make March 14th a day we all look forward to, and do it WAY BIG! On to other business….
The Infamous Foot Button. I alluded to how a button was sewn on to my foot as part of my most recent surgery. I never explained what the button was actually there for.
not a button like this....
or this, even though I kinda FEEL that way about it...
not as cool as this....
and definitely not this stupid button....
The button was part of a muscle re-route to make sure things healed correctly. The surgery itself was to remove a ‘fibrous coalition’. In other words I was born with fibrous tissue bonding two bones in my foot/ankle together. This limited the range of motion my foot had. The limited range of motion let to MANY ankle sprains, and ultimately tons of scar tissue, and arthritis in my foot. After they removed the naughty fibrous tissue they needed something to fill the gap to make sure it didn’t grow back… enter the Infamous Foot Button. The took some muscle and stretched it into the gap. In order to hold it there long enough to heal over, they weaved sutures into in, and anchored them to the button on the bottom of my foot. “But Dirty… how did they get the stitches to the button?” you may ask. Big ass needles through my foot is the answer. They literally stabbed two really big needles through my foot to run the stitches to the button. Crazy shit, I know. Don’t believe me, here is a pic….
The horror!!!!
I thought that damn button fell off and I had to rush to the doctor’s office to have my cast removed (HELL YEAH!!), only to find that the button was very much still in place. I begged the doctor to leave the cast off, I felt so liberated, I was looking forward to… I don’t know….. wash my fucking filthy ass foot. Either way I was denied by the medical professional in charge and on went a new cast. I will go through this exact evolution again on Wednesday when I see the actual surgeon that worked on me, and I still go back into a cast for two more weeks. The price of good health I guess……
Maybe it’s just me. Probably it’s just me. Am I the only one who runs into immense amounts of censorship on social networking sites? I’ve had a whole account on MySpace cancelled, and I’ve just recently had a valid cause shut down without even a note from the site. The MySpace thing went down years ago… you know, like before MySpace was a haven for child molesters and children in a rush to be molested (I can’t understand why a young girl would fake her age to be with a 30+ year old man, that’s the connection I make in my mind. Don’t get offended, or do, I don’t care either way.) but it sucked to lose an account. It’s like having your identity taken from you by some faceless asshole.
different process and your will NEVER forget the faces of those assholes!
The FaceBook incident was just today. The cause was to spread the word on Steak and BJ Day. A worthy cause if there ever was one. I don’t put it up there with cancer research but it’s better than some of the other bullshit causes they allow. I had just created the cause. It was picking up momentum. I was on my way to my goal to making this a reality, and it was all taken away, just like that. Needless to say I’m a little pissed, but was it all me? Did I simply choose the wrong forum for this cause? We will see. Here is the link to the new FB page dedicated to it.
Either way, these site have led to a generation of socially retarded people who seem to think their opinion matters (and yes I see the irony of that statement), especially Twitter. So if you see the following icons, take heed and move with trepidation, because they all kinda suck….
easy to plug into, impossible to unplug from..
if you STILL use this site, you are going to hell for touching children... you nasty bastard!
The root word is twit. Few statements containing only 140 characters can be important..... just sayin...
And now time for the customary visual assault of WTF I’ve come accustomed to putting at the end of my blog. Enjoy and be sure to leave a comment!
Actual statue in Korea...
for the avid fisherman I guess....
Japan, the undisputed champion of WTF
just in case you were about to argue my last caption...
The day is upon us. The day where men of all ages spend way too much money on stupid shit in an attempt to proves ones love. The day where women with people in their lives are showered with gifts for simply having vaginas, and single women cry themselves into a food coma after taking down a tub of Super Choco Brownie Fudge ice cream because no one loves them or their vaginas. Little kids will exchange valentines cards at school not fully understanding why. Some kid will not get a card because he/she is WAY different than the other kids and probably smells a little bit like pee. This kid will be sad, and someone might give them a card out of misplaced pity not to be mistaken of actual affection. Get used to it kid, life has way more of that in store for you. Today is Valentines Day.
Did you remember to buy something?
Men, make sure that you have SOMETHING planned for your special someone. If there is no special someone, find the depressed lonely chick BEFORE she dives head first into a tub of ice cream for your best chance for a date. If you do a good job you might even get to see her naked (YAY!). Ladies, today you MUST shave yourselves down and actually behave like ladies for once. Do something nice for the person in your life as well. Attempt to cook something using a STOVE. You know what a stove is right? That big ass fire making thing you light your cigarettes on in the corner, is actually used in food preparation. Gay couples, switch rolls just for today. Tops, submit and be bottoms, bottoms take charge and be tops today. You owe it to each other. So I’ve been told at least. Valentines day is the most artificial holiday ever. You are supposed to take today to make your loved one feel a little bit more loved. That whole concept is bullshit. Everyday you should be showing your love to those who you hold near and dear. You shouldn’t need some bullshit day set aside by some other asshole years ago to day that. But hey who knows, if you play your cards right you might just get to slide into 5th Base.
yep, it's just what you thought it was....
Being as my wife DOES subscribe to the whole Valentines Day thing, I have spent money on things for her, as she has for me. In Japan where my wife is from, the women shower the men with gifts. Being as men are the breadwinners, that makes more sense, but women there do get shit on a little bit compared to here. Hey, whatever arrangement you have with your other, just make sure it’s mutual.
we like chocolate too, when presented the correct way....
On to other business…..
DirtDiggler2823 just cracked the 10,000 hit mark. I am pretty excited about this as it shows that this blog can be cool at least by accident. To all the faithful readers I thank you. To all those who stumbled upon this blog Google searching something horrible, I applaud you. To all those who stumbled upon this blog, and stayed a while and actually read what I’d written, you have my many thanks. This milestone of 10,000 hits does not yield me anything tangible, but it validates my writing as not to shabby. Thank you all so much. As a reward I will put up a few pics to commemorate valentines day. Thank god for Japan…….
Japanese super heros
...and I'll pet it and love it and name it George......
A cock rocket? I can't compete with that! All I have is a wang laser....
And now you want one like this. Poor kitty, no pussy should look that sad.....
Today I will blog about another person who had a dramatic effect on my life. This person is Sgt. Kenny Perkins, or better yet… Sgt. Kenny Perkins’ mustache. I remember that mustache being two distinct thing… Big, and red, and horrible. So three things. From the moment we saw that horrible creature perched atop Kenny’s lip, we felt FORCED to ridicule him. We had to purge that thing from our plane of existence lest it attempt a bid at world domination. For about a week, another Sgt, and I took the time to apply peer pressure to Kenny in an attempt to shave that THING. I would go so far as to say we were so effective that he contacted his mother for confirmation to what he already knew. ” You will never have a mustache like your father Kenny” she said. To which we said “Who’s your dad, Yosemite Sam?!” You may wonder what the creature I described looks like so you may banish it as well if you ever happen upon it. I have enclosed a picture……
pay no attention to the man the 'stache is controlling, and try not to look directly into it's eyes.... it may seize your soul......
The ‘stache by itself…..
It normally consumes human souls, but every once and a while it goes for rabbit.
I have also included a picture of Kenny’s dad….. I think.
artist's depiction
Notice any resemblance?
In all honesty Sgt. Kenny Perkins is not a bad guy at all. Once you look past that he’s from “New England” and is a “Patriots” fan, he’s not a bad guy. He has had his fair share of bad luck as all of would have. His reactions however were all his. I will not get into any of that because I don’t know enough about them to sound remotely intelligent. I will say this, Kenny, just like the mighty cockroach is indestructible and will outlive us all.
Now onto other things.
I recently had my ankle surgery as of last Friday. I am currently in a cast and I have been told NOT to put weight on it. I have already been to one follow up with my doctor and I was not prepared for what I saw when I saw my foot for the first time after surgery.
not a zombie foot... not yet
That cut is WAY bigger than I expected, but that was nothing compared to what was on the bottom of my foot….
dude.... it's a button.... on my foot.... what?
Yes, that little circular thing is a button sewn onto my foot. BUTTON SWEN ONTO MY FOOT! I still can’t get over that. I have metal cables in my shoulder holding things together, but since I can’t see them it’s not big deal. The button, however temporary is right there. It’s simply too much for me to completely wrap my mind around at this point. Other than that, my foot is pretty painless. I can feel the suture itch every once and a while but no real pain. I can’t complain about that at all. Good job doctor!
My employment arrangement post Marine Corps are working out just fine. Looks like I will not only have a job, but be well paid just as I was planning on. Well, here’s to 10 years of planning and just having it fall in your lap.
OH HELL YEAH!!!
Rude people of the Wal-Mart parking lot, I have an announcement to make: Even on these crutches, pending separation from the Marine Corps, fat and black, I am and always will be better than you. As you drive SPEED by in your late 90’s POS vehicle making eye contact while not letting me cross the road remember this. Your acting like an asshole won’t fill the hole in your soul where your parents/spouse/drug addiction/what-fucking-ever lies. You are wasting my beloved oxygen, and I demand you stop immediately. That is all, carry on.
If that box could drive, it would frequent Wal-Mart.
Yes, that is a 4 pack of douches she is holding. I fucking hate going to Wal-Mart…..
they have a parody website for a reason......
Well that’s all for today. There is always more I could talk about but today I keep it short. I hope you enjoyed it. Oh and here’s your reward for finishing this blog…..
yeah... my thoughts exatcly....
If you have ANY idea is to what in the hell is going on in this pic feel free to leave a comment. I you have NO idea, and just want to leave a comment, go right ahead. Holy crap!
This blog will be exactly what the title indicates; random rants, and rumblings. Pretty much any topic I wish to write on, I will write on, in whatever manner I see fit. Sit back, grab a tasty adult beverage and enjoy the moment.
1: Apparently putting a picture of a horrible looking female body builder in the nude, and Ke$ha will put your blog hits into the veritable stratosphere. I had a max of 60 hits in one day prior to my last post. It was the one about me being an asshole and how that was OK. I consider that one to be one of my best blogs to date. But when you crest the 100 hit mark twice, hover at 90, and chill at 60 everyday since you have either written a magnificent piece of work, or The Google is directing them to you because of certain buzzwords. My blog tools allows me to see how people end up on my page, and I can tell you that it is the latter. I have mixed feeling about this. I like the fact that I THINK I’m getting some exposure, but it’s not the way I would like to have it. For those of us who have not sold their souls to the devil, we would like to known for the content of the work, not the packaging, but it is what it is and I will continue to do my thing. I did however consider re-posting the two pictures in question, but decided against it because it was a stupid idea.
Sooooooo, anyone got any souls to sell? No one huh? Back to slapstick I go.......
2: Skinny jeans need to go away ASAP! I don’t know who brought those horrible pants to the mainstream, I don’t know who the hell thinks they are “gangsta”, and to be honest I don’t fucking care. In my life, these are the people who normally wore what are now called skinny jeans; Cowboys: they called them wranglers because ranch work, and horse riding required semi form fitting clothing that would not get snagged on things, because getting snagged on things could mean death. Rock Stars: This is a carry over from the U.K. These people wore make up, had big hair, had random sexual encounters a plenty (and I cannot emphasize RANDOM enough), took drugs that I still don’t know exist, and died at a fairly young age of either OD or disease. Women: Women wore them because they want to feel sexy, and have people sneak peeks at their asses. Don’t dare stare though, that would be rude and offensive to fully recognize their efforts at ass glorification. Then something happened. The whole Emo thing started and overprivileged teenage douche-bags started wearing their sister’s pants with white belts for reasons that escape me. They went mainstream but even then most people knew skinny jeans were for the aforementioned groups and wore normal clothing as Emo Kids were all pretty much gay, and therefore not to be taken seriously. “It’s just a phase” parents would tell themselves. But somehow skinny jeans not only invaded the rest of mainstream American society, but Hip Hop as well. So now we have “Thugs” sagging their jeans talking about how “gangsta” their 33 slims are. What the fuck just happened? Did I miss a nationwide bulletin encouraging this type of dress? Are codpieces going to make a comeback too? I don’t know, but I hope not. People, do your own damn thing, dress how you want to, but dress like damned man. Stop wearing your sister’s pants you little retards. It’s bad when Miller Light slams you and you have no legitimate response. 3: This damn computer that I’m typing on right now has wasted so much of my time, that I want to take it and set in on fire. I worked on this machine for over 4 day straight. 4 days! That’s longer than most people are married these days. I learned quite a bit from it though so I can’t complain too much, but I will try, oh boy I will try. Bad hard drives, bad DVD RW, bad bootleg copy of windows. Talk about a ghost in the machine! I had to swim through all that bullshit to get to where I am now with my computer. Fortunately, the last decade of my life has been focused on this exact type of scenario. Is it bad software, bad hardware, or both? That’s what I do for a living. I do it with much different systems, but the method does not change. You have to ask yourself “does that shit even make sense?” when you see an issue. Then you have to ask yourself “Am I about to seriously fuck this up?” before you take action. It’s a delicate balance of skill knowledge, and luck, but hey life is a gamble, roll the damned dice!
this is after the binary code somehow slipped a 2 into the mix. Cheeky bastard!
4: No days like snow days. I have been home with my thumb in my ass for the last 2 days because Jacksonville cannot handle snow. At all. Ever. You may have read my blog on what happens out here when it rains and see the authorities acting out of safety by shutting the base down. I say let them drive so we can kill off the dumb ones. If you don’t have the sense to NOT drive like asshole in bad weather then you, AND whoever was dumb enough to get into the car with you need to die. I know, strong words right? Try diving out here on a normal workday, you will soon share these feelings. But on the good side of things, I’ve been able to take an extra 4 days of leave. Spend some time with the family, and be annoyed by my two oldest daughters in way I never imagined. Good times.
See how it's the ONLY car involved? I'm willing to bet they were driving like assholes.
5: My wife had her birthday recently. I’m not going to even attempt to take away from another glorious year in my wife’s life. But it is right after Christmas. It is so hard to put on an encore gift giving performance after a concert like Christmas, but I pull it off every year. At least I think I do. I’m am fortunate that our anniversary is in April, because if it were January, or February I’d have to sell organs to afford it. This year I mad a Big Red cake. If you have never heard of a Big Red cake, it’s basically a cake with Jello in it. It’s not that hard to make but timing is key. I topped said cake with home made strawberry whipped cream frosting. Eriko was happy, the girls were happy, so I was happy. I would not trade those times for the world.
Happy Birthday Eriko!! We will have many more together.
6: The end is near for my military career. I have one more surgery, some separations classes, and most importantly future employment that must be arranged. I have a good feeling about 2011 so I’m not to worried about it, but just in case…… if you know someone who’s hiring, shoot me a line. You can never have too many opportunities to succeed.
not as dramatic, but why not?!
7: There are several no talent idiots that continue to absorb way too much of the media’s time, and therefore as media subscribers, too much of our time. 1. Sarah Palin is an idiot. She is an ignorant close minded individual who has no place in the Federal Government as she has no clue how it actually works. She is however NOT the Devil as some would have you believe. She is a wife, and a mother just like the ones we know, and she hadn’t spent much time away from home to learn of the world, which is painfully obvious whenever she speaks. That sounds familiar, sorta like most of the folks in Jacksonville. I recently saw a column linking her to a tragic shooting in AZ because she tweeted “don’t retreat, reload” I remember this tweet and the context it was used in, and the linking was completely unjustified. So, media folks, if you don’t like her simply stop reporting on her. I’m tired of hearing about her. She is a normal white American, just like the jackasses in Jacksonville, nothing more. 2. Paris Hilton should have never been famous, I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies a very publicized, and spectacular death. 3. Perez Hilton is a fucking faggot! Now by no means do I hate gay people. You are free to do with your life as you choose. However please do us all a favor and don’t try to force your lifestyle on others. Just because someone’s opinion doesn’t match yours does not mean that you should go out of your way to ruin them. I didn’t forget what happened when Miss California answered a loaded question about gay marriage, and you flew off the handle and pretty much stripped her of her crown. Not cool. That takes you beyond simply being gay, but to being a faggot, which in my mind as a hateful gay person. It works both ways Mr. Hilton, if you want people to respect you and your lifestyle you need to respect theirs, deal with it. 4. Lindsey Lohan is hideous and I cannot understand the publics infatuation with her. She is the same as any other girl her age that was raised without ever being held accountable. She has issues, and I’m cool with that. Please media folks, let them stay HER issues. I don’t fucking care if she got wasted in rehab. I commend her on her resourcefulness.
I dare you to get on her level!
5. Any other celebrity not actively HELPING people with their money and power. Did I mention George Cloony on my list? No. Do you know why? Because if it weren’t for him America would not even know the genocide in Darfur was happening. Did I mention Oprah? No, as much as gets on my nerves, she is helping girls in Africa get an education that otherwise would never see the outside of a school let alone the inside of one. Bill Gates, Dennis Leary, and several other all do some pretty impressive charity work with their earnings. I applaud those people and I support them, I suggest you do the same. I didn’t even mention all the athletes doing good work because all I ever hear about is the next two people I want to see vanish off the planet. 6. Terrell Owens, and Chad Ochocinco have absorbed more media coverage than they deserve. They were overpaid underachievers on a horrible football team that sucked all year long, but no matter how bad the team sucked, there they are. “how will they react to that last pick?”, “I wonder how they feel about this losing streak”, “should I still have my popcorn at the ready?”. I have your answers: pissed, really pissed, and put the popcorn away.
Hey T.O. I bet I can drop more passes than you! I bet you can't Chad. Let's have a contest to find out.....
That’s all I have today ladies and gentlemen of the internet. I hope you enjoyed the blog. Here is your reward for reading to the end. Have a great day.
After skinny jeans, this will be the hottest shit on the streets
Today, as I write this blog I should be free. 12 December 2010 marked the end of my obligated service to the United States Marine Corps. It was a day I looked forward to for years. A day I would no longer worry about what time formation was. A day where PT had whatever meaning I wanted it to have. Where if some 20 year old gets a DUI, I wouldn’t have to deal with it. A day where the only thing that mattered was my ability to do my job, and take care of my family. That day was today. But it IS NOT today. My EAS was pushed back to mid April so I may get my foot and ankle worked on, and to give my shoulder time to heal. A sacrifice that recently I had been questioning as a wise one. It doesn’t matter if you really look at it though, I was not ready to separate now. I still had things to do, it is what it is. I will miss certain aspects of Marine life. You can’t do something with your entire adult life and not become attached to the routine.
See you guys on the other side. It was fun..... sometimes.
There are some things I won’t miss though……
Look! It's common sense!!! KILL IT!!!!!
another OPS meeting. We NEVER EVER learned....
And my favorite, mass punishment
Fuck it, frag em all. That'll teach em!
Now that my Marine career is technically in its twilight…
..not these douche bags though....
.. I am finding time to get back into some of the things that made me happy. Things like making beer, doing music, and most of all, relaxing. I really enjoy relaxing. Relaxing by myself, relaxing with the wife, relaxing with the whole family, just relaxing in general. Unfortunately my life has a fair amount of drama, and without some sort of decompression time, I will flip out and bad things will happen. Part of being a father and husband is understanding that your actions affect your whole family, and not just you. Growing up and maturing teaches you that. I think this week as horrible as it was good for me, I did a lot of growing. Good prep for the real world.
What the hell is the deal with all the cracked windshields, and stripper angel/devil vinyls in Jacksonville? Every third car has a cracked windshield, every fourth has those dumbass angel/devil stripper vinyls.
Seriously???!!!
Why!?!? Fucking WHY!?!?
I could see the first person getting the vinyls and it being kinda cool. Especially if this person was either a stripper, owned a strip club, or had relations with strippers. The next 2000 jackasses to get it however, simply made it uber-lame. I even went so far as to ask the vendors why people buy these stupid vinyls. They honestly could not explain it themselves. What does that say about the population of Jacksonville? Nothing good, nothing good at all. Calvin pissing on this was bad enough, but that combined with this and numerous other redneck oriented, southern gangsta vinyls.
This shit makes no damn sense.....
New York is no exception, you people have surprisingly been following the stupid vinyl trend as well, especially my Latin brethren.
Nobody fucking cares!!!!
I can understand that you are proud of yourself, where you are from, your car club blah blah blah, but have some fucking taste and originality. There is no reason to cut the value of your car in half by making it into a billboard for a product you don’t even have stock in. Just sayin…. Oh and one more thing.. J-Lo is a no talent hack.
the only place a fat ass makes you talented is the strip club... get there.....
I now leave you with a couple of passages from the Book of Dirty. Feel free to read them, think about them, discuss them, or ignore them. Whatever makes you happy.
Book of Dirty 1:22 – 1:20
And in His darkest hour Dirt Diggler was alone. He was fearful for His family, and His own well being. He looked towards the Heavens for some reasoning. And he cried out to His God “WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME HERE SURROUNDED BY THESE SERPENTS!?”. His God answered by shining a beam of light upon Dirt Diggler and revealing to him a great truth. His God revealed onto Dirt Diggler that the serpent existed in His life only to provide an evil to contrast the good in His life. Dirt Diggler did not understand. He asked “Why must the serpent be so evil when it does not benifit the serpent?” His God responded “It is the nature of the serpent to be evil, that is how I created it.”
Book of Dirty 3:7 – 3:12
Dirt Diggler looked upon his children, and he was happy. His daughters were healthy, and happy, but ultimately unfinished. If they were to replace Dirt Diggler and his wife, they would have to grow as Dirt Digger did. They would have to know pain, failure, and betrayal. So Dirt Diggler did not shield the world from them. He let them learn pain, failure, and betrayal, but he stood with them and let them borrow His strength to persevere and truly grow from their experiences.
Thank you for reading this far. I feel the need to reward you for your dedication.
Love is a beautiful thing. Really it is. Enjoy life!
As usual, feel free to leave a comment. Let me know your thoughts, feedback of any kind is always welcome.
Dirtdiggler2823's Blog-o-Rama 