Category: Unauthorized Stories


Today I will blog about another person who had a dramatic effect on my life.  This person is Sgt. Kenny Perkins, or better yet… Sgt. Kenny Perkins’ mustache.  I remember that mustache being two distinct thing… Big, and red, and horrible.  So three things.  From the moment we saw that horrible creature perched atop Kenny’s lip, we felt FORCED to ridicule him.  We had to purge that thing from our plane of existence lest it attempt a bid at world domination.  For about a week, another Sgt, and I took the time to apply peer pressure to Kenny in an attempt to shave that THING.  I would go so far as to say we were so effective that he contacted his mother for confirmation to what he already knew.  ” You will never have a mustache like your father Kenny” she said.  To which we said “Who’s your dad, Yosemite Sam?!”  You may wonder what the creature I described looks like so you may banish it as well if you ever happen upon it.  I have enclosed a picture……

pay no attention to the man the 'stache is controlling, and try not to look directly into it's eyes.... it may seize your soul......

The ‘stache by itself…..

It normally consumes human souls, but every once and a while it goes for rabbit.

I have also included a picture of Kenny’s dad….. I think.

artist's depiction

Notice any resemblance?

In all honesty Sgt. Kenny Perkins is not a bad guy at all.  Once you look past that he’s from “New England” and is a “Patriots” fan, he’s not a bad guy.  He has had his fair share of bad luck as all of would have.  His reactions however were all his.  I will not get into any of that because I don’t know enough about them to sound remotely intelligent.  I will say this, Kenny, just like the mighty cockroach is indestructible and will outlive us all.

Now onto other things.

I recently had my ankle surgery as of last Friday.  I am currently in a cast and I have been told NOT to put weight on it.  I have already been to one follow up with my doctor and I was not prepared for what I saw when I saw my foot for the first time after surgery.

not a zombie foot... not yet

That cut is WAY bigger than I expected, but that was nothing compared to what was on the bottom of my foot….

dude.... it's a button.... on my foot.... what?

Yes, that little circular thing is a button sewn onto my foot.  BUTTON SWEN ONTO MY FOOT!  I still can’t get over that.  I have metal cables in my shoulder holding things together, but since I can’t see them it’s not big deal.  The button, however temporary is right there.  It’s simply too much for me to completely wrap my mind around at this point.  Other than that, my foot is pretty painless.  I can feel the suture itch every once and a while but no real pain.  I can’t complain about that at all.  Good job doctor!

My employment arrangement post Marine Corps are working out just fine.  Looks like I will not only have a job, but be well paid just as I was planning on.  Well, here’s to 10 years of planning and just having it fall in your lap.

OH HELL YEAH!!!

Rude people of the Wal-Mart parking lot, I have an announcement to make:  Even on these crutches, pending separation from the Marine Corps, fat and black, I am and always will be better than you.  As you drive SPEED by in your late 90’s POS vehicle making eye contact while not letting me cross the road remember this.  Your acting like an asshole won’t fill the hole in your soul where your parents/spouse/drug addiction/what-fucking-ever lies.  You are wasting my beloved oxygen, and I demand you stop immediately.  That is all, carry on.

If that box could drive, it would frequent Wal-Mart.

Yes, that is a 4 pack of douches she is holding.  I fucking hate going to Wal-Mart…..

they have a parody website for a reason......

Well that’s all for today.  There is always more I could talk about but today I keep it short.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Oh and here’s your reward for finishing this blog…..

yeah... my thoughts exatcly....

If you have ANY idea is to what in the hell is going on in this pic feel free to leave a comment.  I you have NO idea, and just want to leave a comment, go right ahead.  Holy crap!

Before we even start I have to reaffirm something:  Fuck skinny jeans.  Please watch the following video and tell the young men that now even the young women are turning on them.

This blog marks the beginning of a new series for me.  I will be telling the stories of some of the people in my life as I saw/see them.  All of them will be unauthorized, and abridged, and will have significant gaps where either my memory fails me, of I was never told.  There may even be a few “misremembered” facts.  I might just embellish, with hold, or down right lie.  I won’t be on purpose….. I promise.  Today we start with one of my peers who had a profound positive influence on my life.  A good friend of mine James Martinez.

Hey recruit!!

I met James Martinez when I checked into the barracks at 1st Marine Division, Comm Company, in 33 Area Camp Pendleton, California.  At the time I was a radio operator fresh from a tour in Okinawa, Japan.  I was none too excited to be rooming with a ‘wire pig’ as I was taught to call them because they were a lower life form for us (so I was told).  Enter at the time Corporal Martinez, reeking of Jack in the Crack grease and hard work.  I have just met my new roommate and the adventure begins.  Things were cool from the get go though.  We talked and found out that we have more in common than most people.  I must admit that at this point in my life, I was rather immature and I didn’t know a lot about being self-reliant and responsible.  James taught me how to balance my work load.  James taught me how to keep my room clean.  James taught me how to work on my car, a skill that would come in handy many times because most of the vehicles I would own in this early time in my life would in fact be pieces of shit.  James taught me how to install my own car stereo, and make the shit go BOOM!  Needless to say, I learned a lot from James, and I owe him a lot.  I knew he was madly in love with his girl back home.  I think her name was Alli, but I might be wrong.  Alli was having pain in her knee all the time and was being bounced from doctor to doctor all the while being told that nothing was wrong with her.  I just figured her knee was like mine, shit hurt just because.  James went home on leave to spend some time with his family, and his lady.  When he returned his head was bald and he was married.  I had no idea why he had just done that.  I knew that marriage was still a ways off for them, but he then told me about how Alli was diagnosed with cancer.  The pain in her knee was a tumor, and since it had been ignored by doctors, and she had been disregarded, it had gone other places.  Now I don’t know if the cancer originated in her knee, or if that’s just where they found it, but either way James was now 100% dedicated to this woman, and would stick by her until the end, whenever that was.  I admired that about him.  I admired his commitment to his convictions.  James was and still is a stand up guy, good to have in your corner.  Around this time he was promoted to Sergeant, which is the finest rank the Marine Corps has ever housed.  He worked his magic to be home with his girl on Humanitarian Orders and was able to get his wife into one of the finest cancer centers in the country.  At this point he was gone.  He was no longer my roommate.  I lost contact with him while he tended to his wife, and I started my own family.  I always wondered where he was, how he was doing, how he looked now.  The guy that I shared a barracks room with.  The guy that I shared a squad bay with.  They guy who knew the true identity of Black Naked Ass Man.  The guy I would drink may beers with.  The guy I had shared many a road trip to L.A. with, was now officially off the grid.  I owe my life as it is now to him.  He told me about my current job, Technical Control as he was on his way to becoming one before his wife got sick.  I would have never known it even existed if not for him.  Late last year after nearly a decade I received a friend request on Facebook from a James Martinez.  Time stopped for a short time for me.  Holy shit, my dude is alive!  Once we reconnected, phone calls were made and we caught up, but like a true friend it was if no time had ever really passed.  He did drop off the map after the death of his wife Alli.  It was devastating for him to see his most loved one die, as it would be for any of us.  He lost direction for a short time, and his desire to be with people.  He has since healed from the loss of his wife, and remarried.  He now has a beautiful family whom I hope to meet soon.

 

The babies and...

the wife!

 

James now lives in his native New Mexico working his ass off to provide for the people shown above.  As far as I know he is happy with his life, and family.  Good stuff!  I’m sure there are inaccuracies in this story, but I did my best to capture who I saw James as.  He is a great guy who I will be having a beer with once again soon enough.

On to other business…..

I recently took test over the phone for a position with ITT as a satellite technician.  Let me make this clear to all who stumble upon this post, I may work with satellite techs, I may work with satellite operators, but I am not nor have I ever been a satellite anything.  I failed that test life it was a fucking XBox achievement.

 

 

as shown on my mental HUD during the test

 

 

 

I took this test in the hopes that it would lead to something other than failure.  I knew I wasn’t a sat tech, but just maybe I could work thing and find a job anyway doing SOMETHING.  I asked how I did on the test, and I was told in so many words that I sucked balls.  Noted fuckers, this is not what I’ve been doing for the last 9 years.  I then asked if they needed any Technical Control guys, and they got all excited and said that they were in dire need of Tech Controllers.  WTF?!  My resume says Technical Control Chief, not Satellite Maintenance Specialist.  Either way, this led to being asked about one of the pieces of gear I DO operate quite frequently.  The Promina.  They asked if I knew how to operate a Promina.  I said yes.  They asked which Prominas I’ve worked with.  I told the Promina 400 and 800.  They got super excited.  I now have another phone interview/test next week.  Good things can come from shitty situations if you refuse to lose.

Next week I start my separations classes, do my pre-surgery work up, and take another phone test.  Quite the busy week.  The following week I have to drive my daughter 2 hours to a plastic surgeon so we can finally close the book on her dog bite and move forward.  They next day, I go under the knife and repair one more defect in my body.  Damned this shitty warranty.  Things are coming together quite nicely.  I think we will be set for success by the time the govt stops paying me as an active Marine, and starts as a guy who’s body got the shit kicked out of in over a 13 year military career.  Oh, I plan to have a job by the time that happens as well.

Time for the reward for reading this far down…..

 

she will somehow blame someone else for this, but when she tries using her lasso as a belt, she will fess up.

Feel free to leave a comment.  Have a great day.