Category: Looking Like an Ass


Ladies, and gentlemen of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I have for you a news flash of sorts: A VAST MAJORITY OF YOU ARE NOT HEROES!

In the age where everyone gets a trophy, this is by far the most infuriating.  Telling an entire generation of military men and women that they are heroes when they are not gives them a false sense of entitlement, and achievement.  Please don’t assume that I’m talking about ALL military men and women, just the ones who sit on major FOBs like Bagram and Kandahar and waste not only space, but my tax dollars as well.  If you actively manned a gun, kicked in doors, jumped out of planes, or provided fire or air support, you are a hero.  If you pulled the wounded out of battle, or patched them up when they touched down, then you are a hero.  If you sat in your office, bitching about shitty coffee while wearing an M-9 you have no clue how to operate, you ARE NOT a hero…… and you know it.  Please stop acting like your tour here was so difficult.  Please stop carrying yourself like we owe you something.  Please stop pretending that you were at any point, useful.  You don’t deserve a parade upon return, and none of you deserve a Bronze Star just for playing Nerf-Warfighter.  To all those folks that make the actual mission happen, you have my respect.  To all those who have lost someone in combat as I have, you have my condolences.  To all you who lost your reflective belts and couldn’t go to the DFAC on Steak and Lobster Day…. Fuck you!

If you are unclear after all the words you may, or may not have read.  I have included pictures of people who are heroes, and pictures of those who are not heroes.  And just because I can foresee someone getting butthurt and calling me out, I’ll say this.  I know where I fit in the whole equation.  Contractors have never gotten parades…….

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Hero…..

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take notice of the attachments… not a hero

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heroes……

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I’m sure he has PTSD from the THOUGHT of SOMEONE ELSE in combat…. not a hero

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world class door kicking… heroes

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“Seriously mom… I didn’t do anything today…. it was so hard. This 3 months is just so brutal” not a hero

Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebs, I have compiled a list of my favorite words from the year 2012, and their assumed definitions.  Some of the words are new, others have made a comeback, and some just never went anywhere.  Without any further delay, (except your reading speed, that’s the only delay.  You might want to work on that…. Or not.) here is your list!  Oh, the list will contain some very salty language.

1: Fucktard:  This word is derived from the phrase “fucking retard”.  It rolls off  the tongue perfectly, and is used to describe someone who you may feel is “fucking retarded”.  Not to be used to describe someone who is actually mentally deficient.

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Seemed like a good idea at the time….

2: Twat Waffle:  This is a $5 word for cunt.  Cunt is not as popular in American dialogue like it is in British, and Australian dialogue, but we have many euphemisms, for that particular euphemism.

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Yep…… you dirty minded people…..

3: Douchhammer:  Someone who is such a douchebag, that they transcend your basic garden variety douche behaviors.  If douchebags were mystical weapons, the douchehammer is Thor’s hammer, of doucheiness.  Guys who wear fauxhawks and wear Tap-Out clothing.

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Another term for this person is “Sir”…..

4: Fuckwit:  Yet another word that is based in a phrase, “fucking nitwit”.  I would assume that the individual deemed a fuckwit is probably frustratingly stupid, but not quite as much as the fucktard is.  And as a bonus, Microsoft Word failed to spell check the word which gives it some serious legitimacy.

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Put him in greens and there you go….

5: Dipshidiot:  A wonder blend of the terms Dipshit, and Idiot.  While technically not a swear word, using it in public will garner looks as you blaze a trail into the insult wilderness.  A Dipshidiot is someone who simply lacks common sense, and is kinda presumptuous about it.

6: Struggle Snuggle:  A colorful term used to describe rape/sexual assault.  It is usually used between friends in an attempt to make someone feel uncomfortable.  This is probably a military/fraternity exclusive.  Nowhere else would it be remotely acceptable.

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It’s OK, they’re only fruit…..

7: Surprise Sex:  Rape.  Apparently someone figured out that as long as you yell “SURPRISE” before penetration, that it’s not rape….. but is it.

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I hope he’s getting his fair share of surprise sex…. prison style

8: Fuck:  This word has endless uses.  How could it not be on the list?

9: Thundercunt:  An exceptionally horrible woman.  The word can be used to describe males as well, but this word is normally used to describe a needlessly rude, abrasive, or otherwise dickish woman.

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Another term for this one is “ma’am”

10: Blue Waffle:  Just Google it…….  I’ll wait.

11: Pacqiouing:  To lay face down on any horizontal surface and have someone take a picture of you.  Boxing gloves are used to enhance the photo.

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The hopes and dreams of a nation were unconscious on the mat for about 3 minutes….

12: Afghandyland, Dirtbagistan, Douchbagistan, any horrible word -istan….:  Derogatory terms to describe Afghanistan either due to the actual country and its flora and fauna, its people, or the rules and regulations imposed by the military.  Can also be used to describe Pakistan.

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What they don’t illustrate is the fact that all the folks here suck.

13: Moon Dust:  The extra fine dust that permeates everything you own.  It ruins air filters, shoes, clothing, pretty much everything.  When wet, it absorbs just enough water to become a sludge that stick to everything.  It is normally found in such places as Afghanistan, Kuwait, Iraq, or any country where a majority of the populace wants to kill us.

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“Are we landed yet?!” “I don’t know sir, let go of the stick and we’ll find out! I can’t see shit!” “Roger that crew chief!”

14: Dirty Contractor:  Someone who was once a member of the military, but left to make more money as a contractor.  They are usually looked at with disdain by those still in uniform until they are about to retire, then they are looked at as potential employers.

yep, pretty much....

yep, pretty much….

15: Fuckbag:  Someone who cannot be described as a fuck in the singular sense.  This person has angered others to where they must be described as a bag of loosely organized fucks.  This is not a term of endearment.

Words that didn’t make the cut:

YOLO: This word is stupid, and only stupid people use it.

Snooki:  I hope she dies in a fire…

Planking/Owling:  Usurped by Pacqiouing….

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted something.  This has been due to a combination of shitty internet speeds, censorship, and laziness (one leads to the other in this case).  I’m back in Kuwait in a holding pattern trying to get into Iraq.  “Why are you going to Iraq Dirty?”  Good question!  “I thought all the troops left Iraq.”  Very astute of you!  “I need answers damnitt!”  Hold your horses, I will explain.  I was/am going to Iraq to fill in for someone who had to go home for a family emergency, mainly because I’m a team player but also because I’ve never been there.  I was supposed to just fly right in and start work, but that is not how it’s been going.  Apparently Iraq has been making the visa process rather painful as part of their “WE ARE A REAL COUNTRY” campaign.  They even snatched up a couple of Blackwater guys and held them for a while for not having the proper papers.  I am not in a rush to be held in the custody of the Iraqi equivalent of ICE/INS.  Being deported could have positive repercussions (free trip home) but I am not in a rush to go through all that BS.

Notice how Iraq is the chewy center of what I like to call "Super Happy Fun Land"

Either way, because we are NOT trying to get apprehended and/or deported we are TRYING to apply for the Iraqi visa.  The problem lies in the fact that the Iraqis don’t quite know what the hell they are doing at this point.  They are taking forever to process any visas, and they seem to change the rules quite often.  This is in fact quite a showstopper.  It’s really not that bad of a situation to be in though.  I’m not getting rockets shot at me in the “stan, but I’m not at home on my couch either.  This place is a real purgatory.  Neither here, nor there, and because of that it sucks.  Best case is that I get to go and help this guy out so he can go home and take care of his business.  Worst case is that I go back to the ‘stan.  There really isn’t a loss in any of this.  Oh, silly me!  I forgot to recap the last FOREVER in how I ended up here.  I think my last post was from my apartment in Kuwait.  Well, I lot has gone down since then.

"My" "Living Room" I had to share it with another guy, who is another post altogether.

I have since found my way to Afghanistan under employment of ITT on the MST in Bagram.  I worked there for about a month when I was sent south to Kandahar to do an install.  The install itself is a whole new post due to the amount of fail I experienced while working for/with the army.  So there I am in Kandahar feverently trying to undo all the fail the army buried itself under when a strange man walks into the facility and asks the question to end all questions…. “Who wants a job?”  Of course I, neck deep in army fail reply “I want a job.” From that point I am interviewed, the resume is submitted, I am vetted by several people, and ultimately hired.  I then go back to Bagram and submit my resignation (2 week notice) and immediately start catching hell from ITT management.  So here I am, trying to do right by the company, and they are fucking with me. So not cool.  Fortunately, we had collectively foresaw this happening and was set for an immediate hire.  Being as ITT decided to act like a bag of dicks, I re-submitted my resignation effective immediately. (That’ll teach them turds!)

It should say "Engineered to suck" Worst. Company. Ever.

After some rigorous on the job training from the boss, I am left to my own devices as he takes a quick vacation.  He did leave another guy there to help me out, but he was more of a suicide watch than anything else.  The first couple of days on my own, I was overly caffeinated, on edge, and petrified of failure.  After a few days I calmed down and was able to get things done.  Since I survived my trial by fire (I swear this is the only way my life operates…) I was welcomed into the family formally.  I then took my spot in Kandahar and have been there since.  I have gotten quite a bit done, but I need to reach the level of the boss man where I can make anything happen that I need to happen.  It takes time, but that is one of my goals.

It's time for the Big Time!

I’m not gonna lie.  Sometimes army officers like to shit on contractors, and when I say sometimes, I mean all the time.  But eventually they all come to their senses and request my help.  Most times I just smile knowing that they act out of jealousy and resentment.  My inner Marine keeps me professional, but my inner asshole keeps track.  I will have mine, whether it be on payday or some other occasion, but I will have mine.  Thank you for your time in reading this blog.  Drive safely!

So here I sit, on the sixth floor of my tower, in my apartment in Kuwait City, overlooking the ocean.  New roommate whom I’ve met before, with a boss damn near 10 years my JUNIOR.  Company cell phone in my pocket, company vehicle available once I get my driver’s licence (but I drive anyway).  Sounds like I got a pretty sweet deal going on out here, huh?  Well lets cover how I ended up here and what had to be endured by my family and I.

The living room. Not a bad spot. Not a GREAT spot either....

First thing I had to do was survive my enlistment without event, and complete the never-ending quest of checking out for EAS.  I almost didn’t make it though.  I ran into numerous obstacles in surviving, and in checking out.  I actually crossed the physical threshold on a junior Marine about 1 week before terminal leave.  He disrespected me so flagrantly that I actually blacked out and when my mind turned back on I already had closed the distance, and grabbed him.  Fortunately he wasn’t a complete idiot and did not make things worse by making any sudden movements or loud sounds while my mind wasn’t home.  Had he done that I probably would have begun beating on him, and that would have been bad.  Oh, all of this was going on with a space boot on my foot, due to my ankle surgery (as mentioned in previous blogs).  As for my checking out, I ran into some major delays with the dental and medical portions.  My shoulder was still not good to go but I needed a surgeon from the Naval Hospital to say it was so I could be found medically fit to separate.  This had to be done via appointment.  the appointment was about 10 days into my leave period.  The appointment took all of 5 minutes.  Needless to say, I was a little bit upset about that.  I also had a tooth extracted, you know, just because.  Then begins the medical screening for ITT.  I had a dental exam, medical exam, and shots to get.  All of these activities were conducted in the state on North Carolina, and required a shit ton of hours to get to.  My dental exam was in Jacksonville, fair enough.  I sat there in the waiting room forever waiting for the dentist to get there.  Why was I waiting?  Because the dentist lived in Wilmington, and there was a huge fire burning between Wilmington, and Jacksonville and traffic was all kinds of jacked up.  But the dentist finally arrives, and my 5 minute exam it conducted.  Yes, I was pissed about that, but happy that I was done.  The shots were done in Fayetteville which is about 3 hours from Jacksonville.  So after driving for 3 hours, and waiting for 20 minutes, I got 3 shots in about 5 minutes.  Yes, I was fucking furious that this could not be done closer to home, but it was done so that made me kinda happy.  Medical was done in Wilmington, about 1 hour away.  I got there and had forgotten that I needed to fast for some blood work.  It didn’t matter though because I got my fat ass on that scale and saw a number I didn’t think was possible.  I will not share that number with you, but lets just say that seeing that number sent my blood pressure through the roof as I was so damned pissed at myself.  Guess what test was next….. they checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high, which pissed me further, and made it higher.  As you can see I am spiraling out of control at this point.  Well, I managed to keep it together on the outside,, but inside I was a mess.  I did my piss test and of course I was not worried about anything because I have not touched drugs for quite a long time.  I wasn’t even on painkillers for my surgeries at this point.  Then cam the blood work.  See I had forgotten to fast, but in an hour or so, I’d be back within their test window.  So blood work time comes and the nurse tries to get some blood.  Seven sticks, two nurses, and one bonafide doctor later, they finally get their blood and I get several band-aids.

Yep, they hooked me up with some band-aids.

Well I knew what had to happen, I had to lose a significant amount of weight and lower my chronically borderline blood pressure.  So begins a really effective, but shitty diet and PT routine.  Mass doses of thermogenic fat burners, no/low carb protein, water, and PT, followed with vitamin packs.  I lost the weight, and it sucked doing so.  Being laid up for months cramming in surgeries before my EAS was a strategic error on my part, but I was still able to pull it off.  With my medical package completed, I was given my flight date to depart to Ft. Benning GA where ITT and several other companies go for processing en route to the middle east.

You are good to go! Trust me, I'm a doctor.......

There are also soldiers there.  Tons of them, of all shapes and sizes and walks of life.  Mostly National Guard and reservists.  If you have never worked with the two aforementioned groups, then you don’t fully understand disappointment, and frustration with someone you THOUGHT was in the military.  Most of these people were complete tool bags.  Just getting out of the Marine Corps, my view of the military might have been a little biased, but nothing could have prepared me for the jackassery that I witnessed at Ft. Benning at the hand of those reservists and guardsmen.  Did I mention that the staff was reservist/guard?  Well they were, so that just added to the suckitude of being there.  After a week of processing, when I thought I’d reached the finish line.  I was incorrect in that assumption.  The medical people at Benning did not appreciate my recent weight loss, or my lower blood pressure.  They ignored my new results that I had to get in order to even be sent there.  They saw the first ones, and made a decision.  I was sent home, absolutely dejected and no longer drawing a paycheck.  I had already received my last paycheck from the Corps, and now here I sat with a half paycheck from ITT for one week of ‘work’ plus my signing bonus.  My wife was there for me, and she was supportive.  I had coordinated with ITT to return to Benning to finish my processing and finally get into theater.  ITT held up their end of the deal by getting the paperwork done for my return.  I did my part by not getting fatter, and showing up.  I finally completed Ft. Benning and flew to Kuwait.  I was still not too excited about to where I was going in Afghanistan, and what I was going to be doing.  Sitting in a TCF with my thumb about elbow deep in my ass unable to actually troubleshoot my own equipment was not something I was looking forward to doing.  I needed something that would allow me more growth.  Enter Mr. Edison, a soldier I worked with in Okinawa years ago at Ft. Buckner.  He had just switched contracts to go to a section called the MST in Afghanistan.  He would be able to get knee-deep in the gear and actually perform maintenance.  I was excited, I asked how I could get on with that.  He directed me to the MST boss and after speaking with him I jumped contracts at an immediate pay cut, at a higher salary.  I know it does not make sense, but it works like this: When you go to Iraq, or Afghanistan, the State Department adds 70% of your base salary to your first 40 hours, so I would make more money in Afghanistan, but at a lower hourly rate.  With the MST, I could still go to Afghanistan for work, but at a higher hourly rate, on top of all the labor perks that come with working out of Kuwait (more on those in a later blog).  So here I sit, in Kuwait, car keys in my pocket, ready to whip it on.  There is always more to the story as about a month has gone by since this point that i could speak on, but who wants to read a 4000 word blog?  Nobody, that’s who.  So enjoy the reading and be sure to leave a comment.  Thanx!

Well ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I return to you once again with yet another blog.  No doubt I will use colorful language, images, and topics throughout this post.  Some of you might be amused.  Some of you might be offended.  Some of you will just take it all in stride.  Some of you will in fact, read the words I have labored to type, and still others will just look at the pictures.  Hey whatever floats your boat, I’m just happy to be here.  No on to the topics at hand.

like a doughnut please.... and this time with some fucking enthusiasm!!!!

As some of you might know I recently posted a blog about Valentine’s Day, and my views of it.  If you hadn’t, allow me to give you a quick refresher.  Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday with no real meaning.  It is yet another way for people to sell a bunch of shit to people who can’t afford them (men), in an attempt to impress someone else (women) in a misplaced gesture of affection.  Valentine’s Day would be completely pointless if you treated your significant others with the love and respect they deserve all year long.  However, in Japan Valentine’s Day is based around showering the MEN with gifts of flowers and chocolate.  The women have White Day which ironically is March 14, in which they are showered with gifts.  The role reversal is refreshing, but in this country/culture there is no role reversal possible because there is no day set aside for men.  Now this is not my idea.  I did n’t come up with this but I stand behind it completely.  Starting this year March 14 needs to be set aside as…… Steak and BJ day.  That’s right.  Steak and BJ day.  The ladies will cook a steak for their man, and hook him up with one of the most selfless acts a woman can perform.

Ladies, stop being so selfish.....

Some might say that I, and other who follow this line of thinking are misogynistic assholes who hate women.  Quite the contrary.  We are the same people who go out of their way to make sure SHE had a memorable Valentine’s day.  We are the flower giving, champaign pouring, meal cooking, foot rubbing guys who show our love and affection on every possible occasion.  All we ask is that you show US some love and appreciation by doing for us.  Nothing about oral sex is nasty in a monogamous relationship.  Nothing is nasty about sex.  We have a pretty ass backward view of sex to begin with, which is shocking considering it’s how we all ended up here.  While we will call out the men to bend over backwards into the range of ridiculous extravagance just to show they love someone else, all we ask in return is the simple act of a good meal, and a BJ.  Yes ladies, please dress sexy, and put some effort into it.  We would for you.  We do for you.  You don’t have to be in a traditional relationship to celebrate Valentine’s Day, nor Steak and BJ day.  Just know your roles and play accordingly.

and yes, doing this is a plus.....

Let’s make March 14th a day we all look forward to, and do it WAY BIG!  On to other business….

The Infamous Foot Button.  I alluded to how a button was sewn on to my foot as part of my most recent surgery.  I never explained what the button was actually there for.

not a button like this....

or this, even though I kinda FEEL that way about it...

not as cool as this....

and definitely not this stupid button....

The button was part of a muscle re-route to make sure things healed correctly.  The surgery itself was to remove a ‘fibrous coalition’.  In other words I was born with fibrous tissue bonding two bones in my foot/ankle together.  This limited the range of motion my foot had.  The limited range of motion let to MANY ankle sprains, and ultimately tons of scar tissue, and arthritis in my foot.  After they removed the naughty fibrous tissue they needed something to fill the gap to make sure it didn’t grow back… enter the Infamous Foot Button.  The took some muscle and stretched it into the gap.  In order to hold it there long enough to heal over, they weaved sutures into in, and anchored them to the button on the bottom of my foot.  “But Dirty… how did they get the stitches to the button?” you may ask.  Big ass needles through my foot is the answer.  They literally stabbed two really big needles through my foot to run the stitches to the button.  Crazy shit, I know.  Don’t believe me, here is a pic….

The horror!!!!

I thought that damn button fell off and I had to rush to the doctor’s office to have my cast removed (HELL YEAH!!), only to find that the button was very much still in place.  I begged the doctor to leave the cast off, I felt so liberated, I was looking forward to… I don’t know….. wash my fucking filthy ass foot.  Either way I was denied by the medical professional in charge and on went a new cast.  I will go through this exact evolution again on Wednesday when I see the actual surgeon that worked on me, and I still go back into a cast for two more weeks.  The price of good health I guess……

Maybe it’s just me.  Probably it’s just me.  Am I the only one who runs into immense amounts of censorship on social networking sites?  I’ve had a whole account on MySpace cancelled, and I’ve just recently had a valid cause shut down without even a note from the site.  The MySpace thing went down years ago… you know, like before MySpace was a haven for child molesters and children in a rush to be molested (I can’t understand why a young girl would fake her age to be with a 30+ year old man, that’s the connection I make in my mind.  Don’t get offended, or do, I don’t care either way.) but it sucked to lose an account.  It’s like having your identity taken from you by some faceless asshole.

different process and your will NEVER forget the faces of those assholes!

The FaceBook incident was just today.  The cause was to spread the word on Steak and BJ Day.  A worthy cause if there ever was one.  I don’t put it up there with cancer research but it’s better than some of the other bullshit causes they allow.  I had just created the cause.  It was picking up momentum.  I was on my way to my goal to making this a reality, and it was all taken away, just like that.  Needless to say I’m a little pissed, but was it all me?  Did I simply choose the wrong forum for this cause?  We will see.  Here is the link to the new FB page dedicated to it.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-For-the-Celebration-of-March-14-Steak-and-BJ-Day/201560426521345?v=wall&sk=wall

Either way, these site have led to a generation of socially retarded people who seem to think their opinion matters (and yes I see the irony of that statement), especially Twitter.  So if you see the following icons, take heed and move with trepidation, because they all kinda suck….

easy to plug into, impossible to unplug from..

if you STILL use this site, you are going to hell for touching children... you nasty bastard!

The root word is twit. Few statements containing only 140 characters can be important..... just sayin...

And now time for the customary visual assault of WTF I’ve come accustomed to putting at the end of my blog.  Enjoy and be sure to leave a comment!

Actual statue in Korea...

for the avid fisherman I guess....

Japan, the undisputed champion of WTF

just in case you were about to argue my last caption...

you can't unsee any of this!

and yes, this blog is the shiznit

This blog will be exactly what the title indicates; random rants, and rumblings.  Pretty much any topic I wish to write on, I will write on, in whatever manner I see fit.  Sit back, grab a tasty adult beverage and enjoy the moment.

1:  Apparently putting a picture of a horrible looking female body builder in the nude, and Ke$ha will put your blog hits into the veritable stratosphere.  I had a max of 60 hits in one day prior to my last post.  It was the one about me being an asshole and how that was OK.  I consider that one to be one of my best blogs to date.  But when you crest the 100 hit mark twice, hover at 90, and chill at 60 everyday since you have either written a magnificent piece of work, or The Google is directing them to you because of certain buzzwords.  My blog tools allows me to see how people end up on my page, and I can tell you that it is the latter.  I have mixed feeling about this.  I like the fact that I THINK I’m getting some exposure, but it’s not the way I would like to have it.  For those of us who have not sold their souls to the devil, we would like to known for the content of the work, not the packaging, but it is what it is and I will continue to do my thing.  I did however consider re-posting the two pictures in question, but decided against it because it was a stupid idea.

Sooooooo, anyone got any souls to sell? No one huh? Back to slapstick I go.......

2:  Skinny jeans need to go away ASAP!  I don’t know who brought those horrible pants to the mainstream, I don’t know who the hell thinks they are “gangsta”, and to be honest I don’t fucking care.  In my life, these are the people who normally wore what are now called skinny jeans; Cowboys: they called them wranglers because ranch work, and horse riding required semi form fitting clothing that would not get snagged on things, because getting snagged on things could mean death.  Rock Stars:  This is a carry over from the U.K.  These people wore make up, had big hair, had random sexual encounters a plenty (and I cannot emphasize RANDOM enough), took drugs that I still don’t know exist, and died at a fairly young age of either OD or disease.  Women:  Women wore them because they want to feel sexy, and have people sneak peeks at their asses.  Don’t dare stare though, that would be rude and offensive to fully recognize their efforts at ass glorification.  Then something happened.  The whole Emo thing started and overprivileged teenage douche-bags started wearing their sister’s pants with white belts for reasons that escape me.  They went mainstream but even then most people knew skinny jeans were for the aforementioned groups and wore normal clothing as Emo Kids were all pretty much gay, and therefore not to be taken seriously.  “It’s just a phase” parents would tell themselves.  But somehow skinny jeans not only invaded the rest of mainstream American society, but Hip Hop as well.  So now we have “Thugs” sagging their jeans talking about how “gangsta” their 33 slims are.  What the fuck just happened?  Did I miss a nationwide bulletin encouraging this type of dress?  Are codpieces going to make a comeback too?  I don’t know, but I hope not.  People, do your own damn thing, dress how you want to, but dress like damned man.  Stop wearing your sister’s pants you little retards.  It’s bad when Miller Light slams you and you have no legitimate response. 3:  This damn computer that I’m typing on right now has wasted so much of my time, that I want to take it and set in on fire.  I worked on this machine for over 4 day straight.  4 days!  That’s longer than most people are married these days.  I learned quite a bit from it though so I can’t complain too much, but I will try, oh boy I will try.  Bad hard drives, bad DVD RW, bad bootleg copy of windows.  Talk about a ghost in the machine!  I had to swim through all that bullshit to get to where I am now with my computer.  Fortunately, the last decade of  my life has been focused on this exact type of scenario.  Is it bad software, bad hardware, or both?  That’s what I do for a living.  I do it with much different systems, but the method does not change.  You have to ask yourself “does that shit even make sense?” when you see an issue.  Then you have to ask yourself “Am I about to seriously fuck this up?” before you take action.  It’s a delicate balance of skill knowledge, and luck, but hey life is a gamble, roll the damned dice!

this is after the binary code somehow slipped a 2 into the mix. Cheeky bastard!

4:  No days like snow days.  I have been home with my thumb in my ass for the last 2 days because Jacksonville cannot handle snow.  At all.  Ever.  You may have read my blog on what happens out here when it rains and see the authorities acting out of safety by shutting the base down.  I say let them drive so we can kill off the dumb ones.  If you don’t have the sense to NOT drive like asshole in bad weather then you, AND whoever was dumb enough to get into the car with you need to die.  I know, strong words right?  Try diving out here on a normal workday, you will soon share these feelings.  But on the good side of things, I’ve been able to take an extra 4 days of leave.  Spend some time with the family, and be annoyed by my two oldest daughters in way I never imagined.  Good times.

See how it's the ONLY car involved? I'm willing to bet they were driving like assholes.

5:  My wife had her birthday recently.  I’m not going to even attempt to take away from another glorious year in my wife’s life.  But it is right after Christmas.  It is so hard to put on an encore gift giving performance after a concert like Christmas, but I pull it off every year.  At least I think I do.  I’m am fortunate that our anniversary is in April, because if it were January, or February I’d have to sell organs to afford it.  This year I mad a Big Red cake.  If you have never heard of a Big Red cake, it’s basically a cake with Jello in it.  It’s not that hard to make but timing is key.  I topped said cake with home made strawberry whipped cream frosting.  Eriko was happy, the girls were happy, so I was happy.  I would not trade those times for the world.

Happy Birthday Eriko!! We will have many more together.

6:  The end is near for my military career.  I have one more surgery, some separations classes, and most importantly future employment that must be arranged.  I have a good feeling about 2011 so I’m not to worried about it, but just in case…… if you know someone who’s hiring, shoot me a line.  You can never have too many opportunities to succeed.

not as dramatic, but why not?!

7:  There are several no talent idiots that continue to absorb way too much of the media’s time, and therefore as media subscribers, too much of our time.  1. Sarah Palin is an idiot.  She is an ignorant close minded individual who has no place in the Federal Government as she has no clue how it actually works.  She is however NOT the Devil as some would have you believe.  She is a wife, and a mother just like the ones we know, and she hadn’t spent much time away from home to learn of the world, which is painfully obvious whenever she speaks.  That sounds familiar, sorta like most of the folks in Jacksonville.  I recently saw a column linking her to a tragic shooting in AZ because she tweeted “don’t retreat, reload”  I remember this tweet and the context it was used in, and the linking was completely unjustified.  So, media folks, if you don’t like her simply stop reporting on her.  I’m tired of hearing about her.  She is a normal white American, just like the jackasses in Jacksonville, nothing more.  2. Paris Hilton should have never been famous, I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies a very publicized, and spectacular death.  3.  Perez Hilton is a fucking faggot!  Now by no means do I hate gay people.  You are free to do with your life as you choose.  However please do us all a favor and don’t try to force your lifestyle on others.  Just because someone’s opinion doesn’t match yours does not mean that you should go out of your way to ruin them.  I didn’t forget what happened when Miss California answered a loaded question about gay marriage, and you flew off the handle and pretty much stripped her of her crown.  Not cool.  That takes you beyond simply being gay, but to being a faggot, which in my mind as a hateful gay person.  It works both ways Mr. Hilton, if you want people to respect you and your lifestyle you need to respect theirs, deal with it.  4. Lindsey Lohan is hideous and I cannot understand the publics infatuation with her.  She is the same as any other girl her age that was raised without ever being held accountable.  She has issues, and I’m cool with that.  Please media folks, let them stay HER issues.  I don’t fucking care if she got wasted in rehab.  I commend her on her resourcefulness.

I dare you to get on her level!

5. Any other celebrity not actively HELPING people with their money and power.  Did I mention George Cloony on my list?  No.  Do you know why?  Because if it weren’t for him America would not even know the genocide in Darfur was happening.  Did I mention Oprah?  No, as much as gets on my nerves, she is helping girls in Africa get an education that otherwise would never see the outside of a school let alone the inside of one.  Bill Gates, Dennis Leary, and several other all do some pretty impressive charity work with their earnings.  I applaud those people and I support them, I suggest you do the same.  I didn’t even mention all the athletes doing good work because all I ever hear about is the next two people I want to see vanish off the planet.  6. Terrell Owens, and Chad Ochocinco have absorbed more media coverage than they deserve.  They were overpaid underachievers on a horrible football team that sucked all year long, but no matter how bad the team sucked, there they are.  “how will they react to that last pick?”, “I wonder how they feel about this losing streak”, “should I still have my popcorn at the ready?”.  I have your answers: pissed, really pissed, and put the popcorn away.

Hey T.O. I bet I can drop more passes than you! I bet you can't Chad. Let's have a contest to find out.....

That’s all I have today ladies and gentlemen of the internet.  I hope you enjoyed the blog.  Here is your reward for reading to the end.  Have a great day.

After skinny jeans, this will be the hottest shit on the streets

Feel free to leave a comment.

Well people, the final countdown has began.  I have a surgery to fix my ankle scheduled for 14 January 2011.  I’m excited, as well as apprehensive.  A lot can go wrong when you are on the table and someone is cutting you open to rearrange your parts, but a lot can go right as well.  I was apparently born with a defect in my ankle that only 1% of the population has.  There is connective tissue binding two bones in my foot/ankle that greatly restrict movement causing all sorts of issues.  The x-rays of my foot/ankle show a haze around the bones.  When asked what causes the haze, it’s basically scar tissue, and bone chips, yes bone chips.  I also have traumatic arthritis in my big toe as a result of limited movement.  It’s called Calcaneal Navicular Fibrus Coalition, and here is a picture.

If I could count the times I've wrecked my ankle.....

On to other things, it’s the holiday season.  Time to bust out the plastic and charge yourself into credit oblivion in an attempt to prove to your family that you do in fact love them.  Never mind that you feed and clothe them the whole year.  Never mind that you pay for housing, utilities, and all sorts of other shit.  Never mind that you had to give them a birthday gift at some other point in the year.  NOW is the time to show them how much you love them.  And you show them by buying all sorts of bullshit that they don’t need, and will only use for a month, tops.  How about we just hand out and enjoy the company of family?  How about we show someone how much we love them by giving them the gift of wisdom?  Hand down some wisdom the way our grandparents did.  Tell stories, give advice, if you don’t have any wisdom to hand down, give them books, anything that will give their minds a chance to imagine.  Enlighten people, gift them some culture, manners, functionality, not just the shiny new shit.

If there was a cool enough commercial for this, your kids would want it. Would you buy it for them?

I guess this enlightens... I guess

And a classic favorite…. Dora!!

Fail, just plain ol' fail.....

There is no time like Beer:30.  Beer:30 is my favorite time of the day, right after Boobs o’clock and Vag:15.  As a result of my love for beer, I became a small time brewer.  I only brew 6 gallons at a time, but the beer is normally anywhere from 6% to 8.5% so it’s really drinking with efficiency.

My beer has done this to at least one person that I know of.....

... and this as well.

One time in Okinawa, the airlocks on one of my brewing kegs got clogged and the damned thing blew up.  With my wife in the room.  While I was at work.  We almost had the same thing happen early this morning.  The airlocks were all clogged on all my kegs.  My wife could here the seeping of air under pressure and woke me up.  I took action, and I was sprayed with beer along with my wall but we got it all under control.

The brewery AFTER we got things under control. Close call........

I really look forward to bottling, and then drinking the hell out of the beer pictured above.  Check the names of the brews,  Good stuff.

Rianna has started to do better at school, and that makes us all happy.  Ayana’s grades have always been good as she is only in the 1st grade, and honestly, it’s kinda hard to fuck 1st grade up, but she’s doing very well either way.  Her grandmother got her a giant teddy bear for Christmas.  I mean A GIANT TEDDY BEAR!!

I think it has a Social Security card, and works at the local Food Lion when not being snuggled by my daughters.

Tomorrow my family will pile into my wife’s 2007 Mazda 5 along with the dog and drive 6 1/2 hours to the Charlotte are to visit my mom for Christmas.  My 6 year old absolutely adores her grandmother and is so excited to hand out with her.  My oldest is excited that she gets to play with her cousins.  My wife and I are excited to visit, and that the kids are excited.  The dog pretty much has shown indifference to the whole thing, and the baby is pretty much just hanging out with us, and is down to travel for hugs.

I now leave you with a passage from the Book of Dirty and some words of wisdom

Book Of Dirty 5:30 – 5:35

And then Dirt Diggler asked of his God “do you want us, Your creations to be happy?”  His God responded “yes, I do” and then blessed them with a case of the finest beer man would ever know.  He said onto Dirt Diggler ” I have given you beer, and the knowledge to make more beer.  You now have irrevocable proof that I love you, and want you to be happy.”  Dirt Diggler saw the beer, heard his God’s word and did in fact know that he was loved, and to be happy.

 

Be careful out there and try not to over indulge.  Too many other people will make complete drunken assholes of themselves in the next couple of weeks, don’t be the next one, unless that’s your role in the family.

Know your role... I guess.

Ladies be especially careful.  No one wants to be a victim.  And there are other reasons as well.  Allow me to illustrate.

Just push the "I believe button"....

Well enjoy the holidays and feel free to leave a comment.  You can condemn me, praise me, or otherwise but leave a comment so I know you’re not ignoring me.  Thank you.  Happy Holidays!!

This will happen to someone this year. Is it you?

Today, as I write this blog I should be free.  12 December 2010 marked the end of my obligated service to the United States Marine Corps.  It was a day I looked forward to for years.  A day I would no longer worry about what time formation was.  A day where PT had whatever meaning I wanted it to have.  Where if some 20 year old gets a DUI, I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  A day where the only thing that mattered was my ability to do my job, and take care of my family.  That day was today.  But it IS NOT today.  My EAS was pushed back to mid April so I may get my foot and ankle worked on, and to give my shoulder time to heal.  A sacrifice that recently I had been questioning as a wise one.  It doesn’t matter if you really look at it though, I was not ready to separate now.  I still had things to do, it is what it is.  I will miss certain aspects of Marine life.  You can’t do something with your entire adult life and not become attached to the routine.

See you guys on the other side. It was fun..... sometimes.

There are some things I won’t miss though……

Look! It's common sense!!! KILL IT!!!!!

another OPS meeting. We NEVER EVER learned....

And my favorite, mass punishment

Fuck it, frag em all. That'll teach em!

Now that my Marine career is technically in its twilight…

..not these douche bags though....

.. I am finding time to get back into some of the things that made me happy.  Things like making beer, doing music, and most of all, relaxing.  I really enjoy relaxing.  Relaxing by myself, relaxing with the wife, relaxing with the whole family, just relaxing in general.  Unfortunately my life has a fair amount of drama, and without some sort of decompression time, I will flip out and bad things will happen.  Part of being a father and husband is understanding that your actions affect your whole family, and not just you.  Growing up and maturing teaches you that.  I think this week as horrible as it was good for me, I did a lot of growing.  Good prep for the real world.

What the hell is the deal with all the cracked windshields, and stripper angel/devil vinyls in Jacksonville?  Every third car has a cracked windshield, every fourth has those dumbass angel/devil stripper vinyls.

Seriously???!!!

Why!?!? Fucking WHY!?!?

I could see the first person getting the vinyls and it being kinda cool.  Especially if this person was either a stripper, owned a strip club, or had relations with strippers.  The next 2000 jackasses to get it however, simply made it uber-lame.  I even went so far as to ask the vendors why people buy these stupid vinyls.  They honestly could not explain it themselves.  What does that say about the population of Jacksonville?  Nothing good, nothing good at all.  Calvin pissing on this was bad enough, but that combined with this and numerous other redneck oriented, southern gangsta vinyls.

This shit makes no damn sense.....

New York is no exception, you people have surprisingly been following the stupid vinyl trend as well, especially my Latin brethren.

Nobody fucking cares!!!!

I can understand that you are proud of yourself, where you are from, your car club blah blah blah, but have some fucking taste and originality.  There is no reason to cut the value of your car in half by making it into a billboard for a product you don’t even have stock in.  Just sayin….  Oh and one more thing.. J-Lo is a no talent hack.

the only place a fat ass makes you talented is the strip club... get there.....

I now leave you with a couple of passages from the Book of Dirty.  Feel free to read them, think about them, discuss them, or ignore them.  Whatever makes you happy.

Book of Dirty 1:22 – 1:20
And in His darkest hour Dirt Diggler was alone. He was fearful for His family, and His own well being. He looked towards the Heavens for some reasoning. And he cried out to His God “WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME HERE SURROUNDED BY THESE SERPENTS!?”. His God answered by shining a beam of light upon Dirt Diggler and revealing to him a great truth.  His God revealed onto Dirt Diggler that the serpent existed in His life only to provide an evil to contrast the good in His life. Dirt Diggler did not understand. He asked “Why must the serpent be so evil when it does not benifit the serpent?” His God responded “It is the nature of the serpent to be evil, that is how I created it.”

Book of Dirty 3:7 – 3:12
Dirt Diggler looked upon his children, and he was happy.  His daughters were healthy, and happy, but ultimately unfinished.  If they were to replace Dirt Diggler and his wife, they would have to grow as Dirt Digger did.  They would have to know pain, failure, and betrayal.  So Dirt Diggler did not shield the world from them.  He let them learn pain, failure, and betrayal, but he stood with them and let them borrow His strength to persevere and truly grow from their experiences.

Thank you for reading this far.  I feel the need to reward you for your dedication.

Love is a beautiful thing. Really it is. Enjoy life!

As usual, feel free to leave a comment.  Let me know your thoughts, feedback of any kind is always welcome.

P.S. We recently crested the 600 hits mark.  YAY!!

Most religions have some type of holy book, or scripture, or the written ramblings of a prophet or something they base their religion on.  These texts provide the framework for all aspects of the worshipers life from the morning routine to finances.  The Holy Bible, Torah, and Qua ran are all different texts followed by different people, but all share some very basic principles.  “Don’t steal shit”, “Don’t kill people (unless it’s for your God)”, “treat other with love compassion and respect”, “don’t lie”, “get married before sex (I know…..)”, “take care of your family”, “be a good wife/husband”, don’t have relations with other peoples’ wives/husbands” and so on.  I will be publishing my own writings that I think are pretty good.  Now by no means do I think I’m this jack-ass:

I'm not Jesus, and neither is he.....

But I think most of the writings cover basic common sense.  Today I published my first verse from the Book of Dirty.  Dirty 1:13 is as follows;

The greatest sin one person can commit towards another is betrayal. Murder ends ones suffering, but betrayal leaves lasting pain, and further corrodes future relationships.

These will be published every blog post, and in no logical order.  Please do not attempt to assemble the book in order, it will not make sense.  Just roll with the lessons, not the order in which they are presented.

Today I reinforced another valuable life lesson: People are shady ass hell, and they suck.

I was helpless as my hands were full with my own life....

So without going into detail, I got thrown under the bus.  Once again.  When will I learn to not give a fuck?

I just healed from the last bus tossing! DAMNITT!!!

In other news, I was able to somewhat accelerate my departure from this hellhole.  I spoke with my shoulder surgeon and got the thumbs up to get my foot and ankle worked on next month.  This saves me about 4 months of healing time, and less healing time means less time I have to be HERE.  As I approach my original EAS certain things take on a whole new painful flavor.  Duty sucks that much more.  RSO duty is that much more a waste of time.  Suicide watch makes that much less sense.  Freedom was so close, and I pushed it away to get my health in order.  I know it was the right thing to do, but right this second, I regret it.  I regret the hell out of it.

Such a familiar look for me these days.....

I was told today by the Chaplin today (yes things are THAT bad) to persevere.  That sounds good except I don’t feel that all the drama is necessary.  My desire to persevere something unnecessary is pretty low, as I need it for things that ARE necessary.  Just because I can take a bullet to the thigh does not mean I want to shot in my damned thigh.  I may lack the required wisdom to tell if I can control this situation, but I will sure as hell try my best to make it better.  I have to shake off the haters, and keep it pushin.

Maybe they'll run out of shit to stab me with, or just get tired of it... I hope.

With that said, I leave you with more passages from the Book of Dirty;

Dirty 1:7 – Dirty 1:12

And then Dirt Diggler shook off all the haters.  With all his rage He looked up into the sky and let forth a primal scream that shook windows and frightened both man and beast.  He then looked the haters in the eye and said onto them. “fuck you haters.  I’m out”  And then He left, deuces held high.

If you have any comments, feel free to leave em here.  I answer all my comments, unless you don’t want me to.

It’s been quite some time since my last blog, and boy have things been busy.  Rianna’s team lost in the playoffs against the first team they lost to, yeah, the really big kids.  They put up much more of a fight this time, so I guess that’s a good thing.  We look forward to next year and my possibly coaching in some capacity.  Ayana and her team did well all season.  I got to ref a game, and it was the cleanest game all season.  No one was maimed or anything.  Good times.

They did good this year... real good.

Halloween has come and gone, and the stars of the show were the pumpkins.  We changed it up a little bit and added ears using leftover pieces and toothpicks.  I think they were well received by friends and trick or treaters alike.

yes, the little one with the cat ears is Shaun's pumpkin, so cute!

Thanksgiving has just concluded, and my cousin, mother and her fiancée came out to visit our home.  It was great having them here.  I enjoyed spending time with them, so did my wife.  The girls were the most happy of all.  For Rianna she gets to play with her older cousin and finally get some competition.  For Ayana, she got to hang out with her Grandma Lynn who she absolutely adores.  Shaun got to reacquaint herself with my mom and her peeps, and establish dominance over another group of adults.  We had a bit of an abbreviated spread, but a well prepared one nonetheless.  We had the traditional turkey, complete with stuffing, baked pasta shells and cheese, more stuffing, a secret mixture of greens with a smoked turkey wing, and dinner rolls and home-made turkey gravy.  The wife made a bad ass Cobb Salad for this occasion as well.  For dessert we all had home-made sweet potato pie with home-made whipped cream that I put WAAAAYYYY too much damned sugar in, but the kids liked it sooooo, I guess it all worked out.  Did I mention the turkey was 26.5 pounds?  I didn’t huh?  Well the damned turkey was 26.5 pounds.  The biggest turkey I’ve cooked ever.  My wife told me to get a bigger turkey, and me being the dumb-ass Marine that I am, decided to go WAY TOO BIG.  Now we have enough turkey to last us until New Years Eve.  That doesn’t even remotely sound appealing.  Uggghh!  Did I mention that I cooked all this food?  No?!  Well I did, but the gravy was lovingly prepared by my wife and mother.  It was great to see them work together.   It’s not really that big a deal that I cooked, it’s one of the few times I get to put my cooking skills on display, so I do enjoy it a little, and I want my little ladies to find a man who has SOME domestic skills as well .  Here is a little sample of what we were enjoying:

just a little sample....

YOU WILL OBEY ME!!!!

Now time to discus the XBox 360.  It had died a while ago and I was postponing the repair.  Partially because I was lazy, but mostly because I was worried about killing it for good.  My neighbor’s XBox 360 went tits up as well, and he approached me with the request that we do a joint repair.  For some reason this made me want to get mine done.  For some unexplained reason, I really wanted to fix mine…. oh wait, it had nothing to do with my neighbor, I wanted an XBox 360 kinect and didn’t want to buy a new system.  I resented that my machine suddenly died, and I had no more desire in giving Microsoft more money to replace a machine THEY made with piss poor workmanship, and sub par parts than I did in having a bum stab me with a box cutter.  It just so happened that my neighbor came along as I was feeling like this, and it got his machine fixed as well.  What a bargain.  So with my machine repaired, I headed to the only place I KNEW would have the Kinect Sensor Bar the day AFTER Black Friday…. K-Mart.  I was so sure that I refused to call ahead to ensure they had one, I felt it in my bones.  Why was I so sure you ask, because NO ONE SHOPS AT K-MART!!  Everyone goes to wally world (Wal-Mart), Target, the PX or some store OTHER than K-Mart.  That’s how I knew.  SO I get to K-Mart, and there it is, just as I prophesied.  I picked one up, along with a fighting game that lets you use your own punches, knees, kicks, elbows, and head butts to beat live, or computer opponents, this would prove to be somewhat of a mistake.  We will return to that thought in a few, the Kinect came with a game, it’s kinda like Wii Sports, but even more embarrassing.  We put the game in the resurrected XBox 360, and get ready to flail about like it’s nobody’s business.

This........

Plus this.....

Equals this. Yes that is the Funky Chicken....

Flail we did, it tracked our every movement, it recorded whose faces were in the background, and worse of all, it took stills at certain times when you would be undoubtedly in a compromising position.  This is WAAAYYY worse that the Wii could ever hope to be in terms of embarrassment.

Lies!!!

Truths!!!

I did however break a sweat, but I was downright winded playing the fighting game.  It was a total bastard of a game.  I won most of my matches, but I had to put a lot of effort into it.  It took my flail game to a whole new level.  I was punching and kicking like I was fighting off a rapist, but not just any rapist, a really ugly rapist.

Remember this?

YES OFFICER, THAT'S THE ONE. THAT ONE RIGHT THERE!!!!

After sufficiently making myself look like an ass in front of all my immediate family, and sweating profusely in the process, I decided to hand it up for the day, or at least for a little while.  After my mother and her entourage left for home, I got the house a little more clean, and returned back to the source of my tired back, and salty forehead.  The damned Kinect.  I gave it a more concentrated effort, and I was rewarded with more sweat, and even with the smaller crowd, surprisingly more embarrassment.  I do not write these words to admonish the Kinect, quite the contrary.  The Kinect is a technological marvel, and I wish the PS3 had it instead because it’s a better machine.  I just want people to know that you WILL sweat, you WILL flail around like your having a Grand Mal Seizure, and you WILL look and feel like an ass in the process.  Go out and get one, lock the doors, turn of the A/C, and give yourself hell.  Enjoy!  Feel free to leave a comment.

Just a thought, should I pose a question at the end of the blog?  Just a question.