Category: Fat Bastards


So here I sit, on the sixth floor of my tower, in my apartment in Kuwait City, overlooking the ocean.  New roommate whom I’ve met before, with a boss damn near 10 years my JUNIOR.  Company cell phone in my pocket, company vehicle available once I get my driver’s licence (but I drive anyway).  Sounds like I got a pretty sweet deal going on out here, huh?  Well lets cover how I ended up here and what had to be endured by my family and I.

The living room. Not a bad spot. Not a GREAT spot either....

First thing I had to do was survive my enlistment without event, and complete the never-ending quest of checking out for EAS.  I almost didn’t make it though.  I ran into numerous obstacles in surviving, and in checking out.  I actually crossed the physical threshold on a junior Marine about 1 week before terminal leave.  He disrespected me so flagrantly that I actually blacked out and when my mind turned back on I already had closed the distance, and grabbed him.  Fortunately he wasn’t a complete idiot and did not make things worse by making any sudden movements or loud sounds while my mind wasn’t home.  Had he done that I probably would have begun beating on him, and that would have been bad.  Oh, all of this was going on with a space boot on my foot, due to my ankle surgery (as mentioned in previous blogs).  As for my checking out, I ran into some major delays with the dental and medical portions.  My shoulder was still not good to go but I needed a surgeon from the Naval Hospital to say it was so I could be found medically fit to separate.  This had to be done via appointment.  the appointment was about 10 days into my leave period.  The appointment took all of 5 minutes.  Needless to say, I was a little bit upset about that.  I also had a tooth extracted, you know, just because.  Then begins the medical screening for ITT.  I had a dental exam, medical exam, and shots to get.  All of these activities were conducted in the state on North Carolina, and required a shit ton of hours to get to.  My dental exam was in Jacksonville, fair enough.  I sat there in the waiting room forever waiting for the dentist to get there.  Why was I waiting?  Because the dentist lived in Wilmington, and there was a huge fire burning between Wilmington, and Jacksonville and traffic was all kinds of jacked up.  But the dentist finally arrives, and my 5 minute exam it conducted.  Yes, I was pissed about that, but happy that I was done.  The shots were done in Fayetteville which is about 3 hours from Jacksonville.  So after driving for 3 hours, and waiting for 20 minutes, I got 3 shots in about 5 minutes.  Yes, I was fucking furious that this could not be done closer to home, but it was done so that made me kinda happy.  Medical was done in Wilmington, about 1 hour away.  I got there and had forgotten that I needed to fast for some blood work.  It didn’t matter though because I got my fat ass on that scale and saw a number I didn’t think was possible.  I will not share that number with you, but lets just say that seeing that number sent my blood pressure through the roof as I was so damned pissed at myself.  Guess what test was next….. they checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high, which pissed me further, and made it higher.  As you can see I am spiraling out of control at this point.  Well, I managed to keep it together on the outside,, but inside I was a mess.  I did my piss test and of course I was not worried about anything because I have not touched drugs for quite a long time.  I wasn’t even on painkillers for my surgeries at this point.  Then cam the blood work.  See I had forgotten to fast, but in an hour or so, I’d be back within their test window.  So blood work time comes and the nurse tries to get some blood.  Seven sticks, two nurses, and one bonafide doctor later, they finally get their blood and I get several band-aids.

Yep, they hooked me up with some band-aids.

Well I knew what had to happen, I had to lose a significant amount of weight and lower my chronically borderline blood pressure.  So begins a really effective, but shitty diet and PT routine.  Mass doses of thermogenic fat burners, no/low carb protein, water, and PT, followed with vitamin packs.  I lost the weight, and it sucked doing so.  Being laid up for months cramming in surgeries before my EAS was a strategic error on my part, but I was still able to pull it off.  With my medical package completed, I was given my flight date to depart to Ft. Benning GA where ITT and several other companies go for processing en route to the middle east.

You are good to go! Trust me, I'm a doctor.......

There are also soldiers there.  Tons of them, of all shapes and sizes and walks of life.  Mostly National Guard and reservists.  If you have never worked with the two aforementioned groups, then you don’t fully understand disappointment, and frustration with someone you THOUGHT was in the military.  Most of these people were complete tool bags.  Just getting out of the Marine Corps, my view of the military might have been a little biased, but nothing could have prepared me for the jackassery that I witnessed at Ft. Benning at the hand of those reservists and guardsmen.  Did I mention that the staff was reservist/guard?  Well they were, so that just added to the suckitude of being there.  After a week of processing, when I thought I’d reached the finish line.  I was incorrect in that assumption.  The medical people at Benning did not appreciate my recent weight loss, or my lower blood pressure.  They ignored my new results that I had to get in order to even be sent there.  They saw the first ones, and made a decision.  I was sent home, absolutely dejected and no longer drawing a paycheck.  I had already received my last paycheck from the Corps, and now here I sat with a half paycheck from ITT for one week of ‘work’ plus my signing bonus.  My wife was there for me, and she was supportive.  I had coordinated with ITT to return to Benning to finish my processing and finally get into theater.  ITT held up their end of the deal by getting the paperwork done for my return.  I did my part by not getting fatter, and showing up.  I finally completed Ft. Benning and flew to Kuwait.  I was still not too excited about to where I was going in Afghanistan, and what I was going to be doing.  Sitting in a TCF with my thumb about elbow deep in my ass unable to actually troubleshoot my own equipment was not something I was looking forward to doing.  I needed something that would allow me more growth.  Enter Mr. Edison, a soldier I worked with in Okinawa years ago at Ft. Buckner.  He had just switched contracts to go to a section called the MST in Afghanistan.  He would be able to get knee-deep in the gear and actually perform maintenance.  I was excited, I asked how I could get on with that.  He directed me to the MST boss and after speaking with him I jumped contracts at an immediate pay cut, at a higher salary.  I know it does not make sense, but it works like this: When you go to Iraq, or Afghanistan, the State Department adds 70% of your base salary to your first 40 hours, so I would make more money in Afghanistan, but at a lower hourly rate.  With the MST, I could still go to Afghanistan for work, but at a higher hourly rate, on top of all the labor perks that come with working out of Kuwait (more on those in a later blog).  So here I sit, in Kuwait, car keys in my pocket, ready to whip it on.  There is always more to the story as about a month has gone by since this point that i could speak on, but who wants to read a 4000 word blog?  Nobody, that’s who.  So enjoy the reading and be sure to leave a comment.  Thanx!

Sounds like a good plan.....

Hello, my name is Dirt Diggler, and I’m a fat-ass.  That is what I told myself last week as I read the number on the scale at my medical screening.  I was about 15 pounds heavier than I had ever seen myself……. ever.  I was where I’d told myself I’d never be.  I was as close to fat-ass rock bottom as I’d ever been.  Immediately my blood pressure skyrocketed.  As you can imagine, finding out that I was tipping the scales at around 310 was rather upsetting.  I was filled with disgust for myself over my weight.  The next part of the exam was to check my blood pressure.  I’m normally pre-hypertensive at any weight, it’s my genetic legacy, well now since I was so upset I was well into the hypertensive range.  The nurse asked if I wanted a few minutes to calm down, and I did.  I tried to whoosaa myself calm for a few minutes but I was too far gone by that point.  My blood pressure had lowered just a little bit, but not nearly enough.  So marks the beginning of my current journey: to not be such a fat bastard.  I made the decision that day that I was going on a modified Atkins diet that I will call the Fatkins diet.

Done this one, time for one that is more…… ME
There…. That’s more like it.

The Atkins Diet is a very low carb, very hight protein and fat diet modeled after the Eskimos I guess.  It helps you lose weight fast, but your energy levels will plummet and become inconsistent.  Because your energy levels are neither here nor there, your tolerance for bullshit is much lower.  Because your tolerance levels have dropped, you are now more likely to use what little energy you have in acts of violence against the dumb-asses you will undoubtedly be surrounded by while at work.  Since you are now using your very limited energy in acts of violence, you now have even less available when you have to flee from the police, therefore increasing your chances of incarceration exponentially.  You eat mostly meat, absolutely no rice or bread, and very little if any vegetables.  So you can eat a steak topped with bacon, cheese, and ranch, but you can’t have a fucking apple.  One more big thing about the Atkins diet is this; carbs kinda shape your poop, holds it together.  Without the carbs there you will feel like you are pooping more often, and you are.  But your poops will be more like sawdust instead of the proud bowl crushing turds you were accustomed to dropping before.

So proud, so proud.....

You also have to take multivitamins while on the Atkins diet because you will not be eating veggies which have both vitamins, and carbs.  And tons of water.  You will drink water more than you ever had in your life, but water is cheap, hell it’s free in certain  places.

Tons of this. Remember this stuff?

Now time to describe the Fatkins diet.  Instead of eating fried meats at every meal, you have a low/no carb protein shake for breakfast along with your vitamins and some thermogenics along with a fiber supplement.  “What are thermogenics Mr. Diggler?”  Well let me tell you: fat burners.  Those little pills that increase your body temperature and can make life unbearable if used incorrectly.  You will also be having a shake for lunch, and meat for dinner.  Please take note of the lack of any real food.  You will also be doing 30 minutes to 1 hour of cardio daily.  Because you are taking thermogenics, and working your ass off in the gym you will need to consume enormous amounts of water.  More than you would if on the Atkins diet.  This combination if done correctly will take you straight into the “Unhealthy weight loss” realm.  It’s OK, this is not a long term solution to the size of your ass, but you can do this for a couple of weeks, take a few days off, and go back on for a couple more weeks until you reach your goal weight.  Once you get to your desired size, you now have to use methods such as portion control, exercise, calorie counting, and so on to maintain or improve your shape.

Don't do this..... ever!

You can’t just shotgun a pizza and chase it with a tub of ice cream and expect it NOT to latch onto your belly and or ass.  You have to take control of YOUR diet and YOUR eating habits to maintain any semblance of a good shape.  Oh, and remember that fiber you took in the morning, it not only helps in the weight loss process, but helps those turds become a bit more manageable.  I’ve lost about 20 pounds doing this diet, and it’s time for a short break during which I will gain some weight back.  But back on the diet I got first thing Monday, ready to do it for another round.

Yeah! Bring it bitches, just make sure it has no carbs OK......

And now on to the WTF that undoubtedly lead most readers to this blog.  Feel free to comment.  I respond to each one.

Woman, get my razor! I have to shave my eyeballs now!

Work hard, play harder I guess

Hip hop clothes and maybe fried chicken?

WOW

Ronald-San was kicking The Colonels ass until the Burger King got involved....

Thank you for reading, as I said before, feel free to leave a comment.

 

Go Panthers!

 

 

Today both my daughters had football games.  Ayana had a game at 8:00 and Rianna had hers at 11:00.  It’s also Rianna’s birthday.  I had to wake up early because I had to go to RCP so I was not necessarily the happiest guy out of the bed, but its’ my big girl’s birthday so I put on a smile and try to make the best out of MY situation and not let it affect her on her day.  So I get on base and report in to do PT I’m really not able to do just because someone in the Bn thinks wasting people time all the time is a great idea, and I’m told I can go home.  So I get to the game, ready to see Ayana’s team whip it on and play some good football.  What I saw was the dirtiest football I ever seen on any level.  I saw kids on our team get elbowed in the face, I saw kids get kneed in the junk on our team, and I saw some little bastard tackle Ayana by her hair, but she didn’t have the ball.  He just grabbed her hair, and took her down.  No one correct anyone on any of these instances.  The ref was fucking blind, and the other teams coach was too busy sucking himself off to correct his kids, and make them play clean football.

 

This would have happened if they had helmets, and it would have gone uncalled....

 

 

I was disgusted after Ayana’s game, and I let a few folks know how classless the whole ordeal was.  But I digress, Rianna’s game was next, and I just knew the birthday girl was gonna do good things today.  I was wrong.  Wrong as hell.  The offensive coach was more concerned with is slow scared son getting the ball than anything.  I watched the little guy lose more yards than anything else.  I think he had one carry for positive yards.  Rianna was put out on the wing just to block for this kid.  Fucking really?  You take one of the smallest and fasted kids on your team and make her fucking block for one of the biggest and slowest (and scaredest) kids on the field?  Is that whats hot right now.  Is bullshit always on the menu?  Now we were getting our asses kicked, and when I brought up that Rianna might do better than the coaches son, I was told “well… in a game like this….”  What the fuck does that mean?  A game like what?  A game like when some slow ass non running back keeps getting the ball instead of the faster natural kids.  That kid of game?  Or is it because she’s a girl and your scared that she will get hurt?  Just let me know what’s really up with your shitty play calling, I’m all ears.

 

This guy is not a running back. I just have a feeling that he might make a better lineman. Just a hunch....

 

 

In the first game I heard a parent challenge the coach, the coach responded with the comment “do you want to coach?”  I hope to God I hear that come out of his mouth, because I know I would do a better job then they did, drunk, and half sleep I could coach better.  If you couldn’t tell by my creative wording, I’m rather upset about my day so far.

 

upset is an understatement......

 

 

It’s still early in the day, I hope it goes better, because it’s not about me today, it’s about Rianna.  She should have fun today.  I will do my best to make sure she does.   Have you guys ever been done dirty like that?  If so, feel free to leave a comment.  Feedback is always welcome.

I got a letter from the school district

The other day

I opened and read it and said “HAHAHAHAHA”

They tried to tell me that the kiddies was some fatties

I said it doesn’t matter parents need to make it happen

That is pretty much how it went down.  My children’s school sent paperwork informing me that childhood obesity is a huge (yeah, I know)  problem in America.  Along with proper diet, they were offering a morning excersise program to help your little fatty not be so fat anymore.  Now I’m not the slimmest guy at the party.  Iam fully aware of how big I am, and how big I should be as a Marine.  If a Marine does not maintain certain standards for his or her body, they have to deal with Remedial Physical Training.  Remedial PT is more ass pain than training for most people involved.  It’s normally at a rather bad time of the day (super early morning, heat of lunch time, after work when you want to go home), and there is normally some paperwork involved as well.  It is done under the guise of benevolence from the unit.  But it’s really just a punishment from being a fatty.  This is the reality that I live in, and I accept it as part of the culture.  Most young Marines however lack the maturity to complete the program correctly.  They get angry that someone called them fat, and give up basically ending their carreers.  This is exactly what the school is proposing.  “Send us your little fatties in the morning, and we will give them a little bit of a workout in addition to P.E. and recess.  Trust me, I’m a teacher.”  I declined to sign my children up for this probram.  I’m fully aware as a parent that by my allowing my kids to be little kids and play, I’m am ensuring that they stay in good shape.  My daughters have no fat on their bodies.  Shredded as an 8 and 6 year old can be.  Part of it is they have a lot of muscle mass from me, and another is they have the slim asian shape of their mother.  So, they are rather muscular, highly defined little girls that love to be active.  We also offer them healthy meals and snacks to make sure they learn healthy eating habits that they will keep as they grow older.  I know this as a parent, and my wife and I go great lengths to ensure our kids stay in good shape.  My oldest has 3 seasons of soccer, 1 season of basketball, 1 season of baseball, 1 season of track, and is staring football.  My 6 year old has 1season of track, was playing soccer before we had to pull her over some bullcrap, and a lifetime of chasing the older one.  They stay active, they stay healthy, and they don’t need to the school to do what we as parents are already doing.  I appreciate what the school is trying, but I believe it’s the parents job to cultivate in their child the desire to be in good shape.  Your kids don’t have to be super athletes, but they should put down the handheld game, and take their fat asses outside and be little kids every once and a while.  You owe to them to take some time out of your busy day, and help them with that.  They will love that you did.

The lead only gets bigger as the race progresses.

Ayana is also a burner, from chasing her older sister.....