Category: Epic Fails


Ladies, and gentlemen of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I have for you a news flash of sorts: A VAST MAJORITY OF YOU ARE NOT HEROES!

In the age where everyone gets a trophy, this is by far the most infuriating.  Telling an entire generation of military men and women that they are heroes when they are not gives them a false sense of entitlement, and achievement.  Please don’t assume that I’m talking about ALL military men and women, just the ones who sit on major FOBs like Bagram and Kandahar and waste not only space, but my tax dollars as well.  If you actively manned a gun, kicked in doors, jumped out of planes, or provided fire or air support, you are a hero.  If you pulled the wounded out of battle, or patched them up when they touched down, then you are a hero.  If you sat in your office, bitching about shitty coffee while wearing an M-9 you have no clue how to operate, you ARE NOT a hero…… and you know it.  Please stop acting like your tour here was so difficult.  Please stop carrying yourself like we owe you something.  Please stop pretending that you were at any point, useful.  You don’t deserve a parade upon return, and none of you deserve a Bronze Star just for playing Nerf-Warfighter.  To all those folks that make the actual mission happen, you have my respect.  To all those who have lost someone in combat as I have, you have my condolences.  To all you who lost your reflective belts and couldn’t go to the DFAC on Steak and Lobster Day…. Fuck you!

If you are unclear after all the words you may, or may not have read.  I have included pictures of people who are heroes, and pictures of those who are not heroes.  And just because I can foresee someone getting butthurt and calling me out, I’ll say this.  I know where I fit in the whole equation.  Contractors have never gotten parades…….

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Hero…..

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take notice of the attachments… not a hero

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heroes……

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I’m sure he has PTSD from the THOUGHT of SOMEONE ELSE in combat…. not a hero

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world class door kicking… heroes

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“Seriously mom… I didn’t do anything today…. it was so hard. This 3 months is just so brutal” not a hero

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Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebs, I have compiled a list of my favorite words from the year 2012, and their assumed definitions.  Some of the words are new, others have made a comeback, and some just never went anywhere.  Without any further delay, (except your reading speed, that’s the only delay.  You might want to work on that…. Or not.) here is your list!  Oh, the list will contain some very salty language.

1: Fucktard:  This word is derived from the phrase “fucking retard”.  It rolls off  the tongue perfectly, and is used to describe someone who you may feel is “fucking retarded”.  Not to be used to describe someone who is actually mentally deficient.

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Seemed like a good idea at the time….

2: Twat Waffle:  This is a $5 word for cunt.  Cunt is not as popular in American dialogue like it is in British, and Australian dialogue, but we have many euphemisms, for that particular euphemism.

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Yep…… you dirty minded people…..

3: Douchhammer:  Someone who is such a douchebag, that they transcend your basic garden variety douche behaviors.  If douchebags were mystical weapons, the douchehammer is Thor’s hammer, of doucheiness.  Guys who wear fauxhawks and wear Tap-Out clothing.

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Another term for this person is “Sir”…..

4: Fuckwit:  Yet another word that is based in a phrase, “fucking nitwit”.  I would assume that the individual deemed a fuckwit is probably frustratingly stupid, but not quite as much as the fucktard is.  And as a bonus, Microsoft Word failed to spell check the word which gives it some serious legitimacy.

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Put him in greens and there you go….

5: Dipshidiot:  A wonder blend of the terms Dipshit, and Idiot.  While technically not a swear word, using it in public will garner looks as you blaze a trail into the insult wilderness.  A Dipshidiot is someone who simply lacks common sense, and is kinda presumptuous about it.

6: Struggle Snuggle:  A colorful term used to describe rape/sexual assault.  It is usually used between friends in an attempt to make someone feel uncomfortable.  This is probably a military/fraternity exclusive.  Nowhere else would it be remotely acceptable.

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It’s OK, they’re only fruit…..

7: Surprise Sex:  Rape.  Apparently someone figured out that as long as you yell “SURPRISE” before penetration, that it’s not rape….. but is it.

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I hope he’s getting his fair share of surprise sex…. prison style

8: Fuck:  This word has endless uses.  How could it not be on the list?

9: Thundercunt:  An exceptionally horrible woman.  The word can be used to describe males as well, but this word is normally used to describe a needlessly rude, abrasive, or otherwise dickish woman.

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Another term for this one is “ma’am”

10: Blue Waffle:  Just Google it…….  I’ll wait.

11: Pacqiouing:  To lay face down on any horizontal surface and have someone take a picture of you.  Boxing gloves are used to enhance the photo.

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The hopes and dreams of a nation were unconscious on the mat for about 3 minutes….

12: Afghandyland, Dirtbagistan, Douchbagistan, any horrible word -istan….:  Derogatory terms to describe Afghanistan either due to the actual country and its flora and fauna, its people, or the rules and regulations imposed by the military.  Can also be used to describe Pakistan.

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What they don’t illustrate is the fact that all the folks here suck.

13: Moon Dust:  The extra fine dust that permeates everything you own.  It ruins air filters, shoes, clothing, pretty much everything.  When wet, it absorbs just enough water to become a sludge that stick to everything.  It is normally found in such places as Afghanistan, Kuwait, Iraq, or any country where a majority of the populace wants to kill us.

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“Are we landed yet?!” “I don’t know sir, let go of the stick and we’ll find out! I can’t see shit!” “Roger that crew chief!”

14: Dirty Contractor:  Someone who was once a member of the military, but left to make more money as a contractor.  They are usually looked at with disdain by those still in uniform until they are about to retire, then they are looked at as potential employers.

yep, pretty much....

yep, pretty much….

15: Fuckbag:  Someone who cannot be described as a fuck in the singular sense.  This person has angered others to where they must be described as a bag of loosely organized fucks.  This is not a term of endearment.

Words that didn’t make the cut:

YOLO: This word is stupid, and only stupid people use it.

Snooki:  I hope she dies in a fire…

Planking/Owling:  Usurped by Pacqiouing….

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted something.  This has been due to a combination of shitty internet speeds, censorship, and laziness (one leads to the other in this case).  I’m back in Kuwait in a holding pattern trying to get into Iraq.  “Why are you going to Iraq Dirty?”  Good question!  “I thought all the troops left Iraq.”  Very astute of you!  “I need answers damnitt!”  Hold your horses, I will explain.  I was/am going to Iraq to fill in for someone who had to go home for a family emergency, mainly because I’m a team player but also because I’ve never been there.  I was supposed to just fly right in and start work, but that is not how it’s been going.  Apparently Iraq has been making the visa process rather painful as part of their “WE ARE A REAL COUNTRY” campaign.  They even snatched up a couple of Blackwater guys and held them for a while for not having the proper papers.  I am not in a rush to be held in the custody of the Iraqi equivalent of ICE/INS.  Being deported could have positive repercussions (free trip home) but I am not in a rush to go through all that BS.

Notice how Iraq is the chewy center of what I like to call "Super Happy Fun Land"

Either way, because we are NOT trying to get apprehended and/or deported we are TRYING to apply for the Iraqi visa.  The problem lies in the fact that the Iraqis don’t quite know what the hell they are doing at this point.  They are taking forever to process any visas, and they seem to change the rules quite often.  This is in fact quite a showstopper.  It’s really not that bad of a situation to be in though.  I’m not getting rockets shot at me in the “stan, but I’m not at home on my couch either.  This place is a real purgatory.  Neither here, nor there, and because of that it sucks.  Best case is that I get to go and help this guy out so he can go home and take care of his business.  Worst case is that I go back to the ‘stan.  There really isn’t a loss in any of this.  Oh, silly me!  I forgot to recap the last FOREVER in how I ended up here.  I think my last post was from my apartment in Kuwait.  Well, I lot has gone down since then.

"My" "Living Room" I had to share it with another guy, who is another post altogether.

I have since found my way to Afghanistan under employment of ITT on the MST in Bagram.  I worked there for about a month when I was sent south to Kandahar to do an install.  The install itself is a whole new post due to the amount of fail I experienced while working for/with the army.  So there I am in Kandahar feverently trying to undo all the fail the army buried itself under when a strange man walks into the facility and asks the question to end all questions…. “Who wants a job?”  Of course I, neck deep in army fail reply “I want a job.” From that point I am interviewed, the resume is submitted, I am vetted by several people, and ultimately hired.  I then go back to Bagram and submit my resignation (2 week notice) and immediately start catching hell from ITT management.  So here I am, trying to do right by the company, and they are fucking with me. So not cool.  Fortunately, we had collectively foresaw this happening and was set for an immediate hire.  Being as ITT decided to act like a bag of dicks, I re-submitted my resignation effective immediately. (That’ll teach them turds!)

It should say "Engineered to suck" Worst. Company. Ever.

After some rigorous on the job training from the boss, I am left to my own devices as he takes a quick vacation.  He did leave another guy there to help me out, but he was more of a suicide watch than anything else.  The first couple of days on my own, I was overly caffeinated, on edge, and petrified of failure.  After a few days I calmed down and was able to get things done.  Since I survived my trial by fire (I swear this is the only way my life operates…) I was welcomed into the family formally.  I then took my spot in Kandahar and have been there since.  I have gotten quite a bit done, but I need to reach the level of the boss man where I can make anything happen that I need to happen.  It takes time, but that is one of my goals.

It's time for the Big Time!

I’m not gonna lie.  Sometimes army officers like to shit on contractors, and when I say sometimes, I mean all the time.  But eventually they all come to their senses and request my help.  Most times I just smile knowing that they act out of jealousy and resentment.  My inner Marine keeps me professional, but my inner asshole keeps track.  I will have mine, whether it be on payday or some other occasion, but I will have mine.  Thank you for your time in reading this blog.  Drive safely!

So here I sit, on the sixth floor of my tower, in my apartment in Kuwait City, overlooking the ocean.  New roommate whom I’ve met before, with a boss damn near 10 years my JUNIOR.  Company cell phone in my pocket, company vehicle available once I get my driver’s licence (but I drive anyway).  Sounds like I got a pretty sweet deal going on out here, huh?  Well lets cover how I ended up here and what had to be endured by my family and I.

The living room. Not a bad spot. Not a GREAT spot either....

First thing I had to do was survive my enlistment without event, and complete the never-ending quest of checking out for EAS.  I almost didn’t make it though.  I ran into numerous obstacles in surviving, and in checking out.  I actually crossed the physical threshold on a junior Marine about 1 week before terminal leave.  He disrespected me so flagrantly that I actually blacked out and when my mind turned back on I already had closed the distance, and grabbed him.  Fortunately he wasn’t a complete idiot and did not make things worse by making any sudden movements or loud sounds while my mind wasn’t home.  Had he done that I probably would have begun beating on him, and that would have been bad.  Oh, all of this was going on with a space boot on my foot, due to my ankle surgery (as mentioned in previous blogs).  As for my checking out, I ran into some major delays with the dental and medical portions.  My shoulder was still not good to go but I needed a surgeon from the Naval Hospital to say it was so I could be found medically fit to separate.  This had to be done via appointment.  the appointment was about 10 days into my leave period.  The appointment took all of 5 minutes.  Needless to say, I was a little bit upset about that.  I also had a tooth extracted, you know, just because.  Then begins the medical screening for ITT.  I had a dental exam, medical exam, and shots to get.  All of these activities were conducted in the state on North Carolina, and required a shit ton of hours to get to.  My dental exam was in Jacksonville, fair enough.  I sat there in the waiting room forever waiting for the dentist to get there.  Why was I waiting?  Because the dentist lived in Wilmington, and there was a huge fire burning between Wilmington, and Jacksonville and traffic was all kinds of jacked up.  But the dentist finally arrives, and my 5 minute exam it conducted.  Yes, I was pissed about that, but happy that I was done.  The shots were done in Fayetteville which is about 3 hours from Jacksonville.  So after driving for 3 hours, and waiting for 20 minutes, I got 3 shots in about 5 minutes.  Yes, I was fucking furious that this could not be done closer to home, but it was done so that made me kinda happy.  Medical was done in Wilmington, about 1 hour away.  I got there and had forgotten that I needed to fast for some blood work.  It didn’t matter though because I got my fat ass on that scale and saw a number I didn’t think was possible.  I will not share that number with you, but lets just say that seeing that number sent my blood pressure through the roof as I was so damned pissed at myself.  Guess what test was next….. they checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high, which pissed me further, and made it higher.  As you can see I am spiraling out of control at this point.  Well, I managed to keep it together on the outside,, but inside I was a mess.  I did my piss test and of course I was not worried about anything because I have not touched drugs for quite a long time.  I wasn’t even on painkillers for my surgeries at this point.  Then cam the blood work.  See I had forgotten to fast, but in an hour or so, I’d be back within their test window.  So blood work time comes and the nurse tries to get some blood.  Seven sticks, two nurses, and one bonafide doctor later, they finally get their blood and I get several band-aids.

Yep, they hooked me up with some band-aids.

Well I knew what had to happen, I had to lose a significant amount of weight and lower my chronically borderline blood pressure.  So begins a really effective, but shitty diet and PT routine.  Mass doses of thermogenic fat burners, no/low carb protein, water, and PT, followed with vitamin packs.  I lost the weight, and it sucked doing so.  Being laid up for months cramming in surgeries before my EAS was a strategic error on my part, but I was still able to pull it off.  With my medical package completed, I was given my flight date to depart to Ft. Benning GA where ITT and several other companies go for processing en route to the middle east.

You are good to go! Trust me, I'm a doctor.......

There are also soldiers there.  Tons of them, of all shapes and sizes and walks of life.  Mostly National Guard and reservists.  If you have never worked with the two aforementioned groups, then you don’t fully understand disappointment, and frustration with someone you THOUGHT was in the military.  Most of these people were complete tool bags.  Just getting out of the Marine Corps, my view of the military might have been a little biased, but nothing could have prepared me for the jackassery that I witnessed at Ft. Benning at the hand of those reservists and guardsmen.  Did I mention that the staff was reservist/guard?  Well they were, so that just added to the suckitude of being there.  After a week of processing, when I thought I’d reached the finish line.  I was incorrect in that assumption.  The medical people at Benning did not appreciate my recent weight loss, or my lower blood pressure.  They ignored my new results that I had to get in order to even be sent there.  They saw the first ones, and made a decision.  I was sent home, absolutely dejected and no longer drawing a paycheck.  I had already received my last paycheck from the Corps, and now here I sat with a half paycheck from ITT for one week of ‘work’ plus my signing bonus.  My wife was there for me, and she was supportive.  I had coordinated with ITT to return to Benning to finish my processing and finally get into theater.  ITT held up their end of the deal by getting the paperwork done for my return.  I did my part by not getting fatter, and showing up.  I finally completed Ft. Benning and flew to Kuwait.  I was still not too excited about to where I was going in Afghanistan, and what I was going to be doing.  Sitting in a TCF with my thumb about elbow deep in my ass unable to actually troubleshoot my own equipment was not something I was looking forward to doing.  I needed something that would allow me more growth.  Enter Mr. Edison, a soldier I worked with in Okinawa years ago at Ft. Buckner.  He had just switched contracts to go to a section called the MST in Afghanistan.  He would be able to get knee-deep in the gear and actually perform maintenance.  I was excited, I asked how I could get on with that.  He directed me to the MST boss and after speaking with him I jumped contracts at an immediate pay cut, at a higher salary.  I know it does not make sense, but it works like this: When you go to Iraq, or Afghanistan, the State Department adds 70% of your base salary to your first 40 hours, so I would make more money in Afghanistan, but at a lower hourly rate.  With the MST, I could still go to Afghanistan for work, but at a higher hourly rate, on top of all the labor perks that come with working out of Kuwait (more on those in a later blog).  So here I sit, in Kuwait, car keys in my pocket, ready to whip it on.  There is always more to the story as about a month has gone by since this point that i could speak on, but who wants to read a 4000 word blog?  Nobody, that’s who.  So enjoy the reading and be sure to leave a comment.  Thanx!

"Thatll teach your brown ass from exploring Arizona!"

For anyone who has been paying attention to the news for the last year or so, you will always hear about a certain state in the southwest engaging in a little bit of state sponsored racism.  That state is not New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, or even Nevada.  That state is Arizona.  Arizona is another one of those places that old people (read: old white people) go to settle down in and live out the rest of their lives.  You may have thought that place was Florida, but you’d be mistaken, there are way too many Cubans, Haitians, and other “undesirables” in Florida.  AZ is all sand, sun, and dead Mexicans, so this is scared old white people heaven.  AZ might have as much diversity as an Ambercrombie catalog, but that would be stretching it.  I mean they do need people of color to play sports at their universities, and on their pro basketball, and football teams, but other than that you gotta go somewhere else darkie.

You see this place? Fuck this place.

During the Bush years, AZ kept it’s head low, and itself out of the spotlight.  Since Obama was elected president the govenment of AZ has become very overt in their racism.  They have tried to pass an unconstitutional law targeting Latinos allowing law enforcement to card anyone they THINK might be an illegal alien (read: any an all brown people).  It was the first step in a harassment campaign designed to make Latinos uncomfortable in their own homes, and their own skins.  A federal judge rejected the law and told AZ to pack that shit up and take it to go.

Get that shit outta here!!!

I might not be inclined to blog AZ with only the immigration law in the news, but now the whole state is feeding into the ‘birther’ movement.  If you don’t know what the birther movement is, it’s a group of people who believe that President Obama is actually from Kenya.  They took to the airwaves in droves demanding proof that Obama was in fact a natural born citizen.  When he produced proof, they simply ignored it.  When it was produced again, they once again ignored it.  So now AZ is trying pass a law that mandates a presidential candidate produce a birth certificate in order to be allowed on their ballots.  Sounds like a good idea, and I would agree with it, if the idea didn’t stem directly from an overt racist fear.  You see, the principle behind the law is flawed, therefore it’s execution will be flawed.  I cannot support anything like that on any scale.  So without further ado…. FUCK AZ!!!

Yeah, fuck those guys.

Now I have met a few good people from AZ, so don’t think I’m condemning everyone.  I’m just condemning those who think up, and those who vote for these horrible laws.  I’m sure I won’t see many comments if any, but feel free to prove me wrong.  Go ahead and leave a comment.  Oh and just a little WTF for the road….

Japan, back in the drivers seat!

I still have idea what any of this is....

Sounds like a good plan.....

Hello, my name is Dirt Diggler, and I’m a fat-ass.  That is what I told myself last week as I read the number on the scale at my medical screening.  I was about 15 pounds heavier than I had ever seen myself……. ever.  I was where I’d told myself I’d never be.  I was as close to fat-ass rock bottom as I’d ever been.  Immediately my blood pressure skyrocketed.  As you can imagine, finding out that I was tipping the scales at around 310 was rather upsetting.  I was filled with disgust for myself over my weight.  The next part of the exam was to check my blood pressure.  I’m normally pre-hypertensive at any weight, it’s my genetic legacy, well now since I was so upset I was well into the hypertensive range.  The nurse asked if I wanted a few minutes to calm down, and I did.  I tried to whoosaa myself calm for a few minutes but I was too far gone by that point.  My blood pressure had lowered just a little bit, but not nearly enough.  So marks the beginning of my current journey: to not be such a fat bastard.  I made the decision that day that I was going on a modified Atkins diet that I will call the Fatkins diet.

Done this one, time for one that is more…… ME
There…. That’s more like it.

The Atkins Diet is a very low carb, very hight protein and fat diet modeled after the Eskimos I guess.  It helps you lose weight fast, but your energy levels will plummet and become inconsistent.  Because your energy levels are neither here nor there, your tolerance for bullshit is much lower.  Because your tolerance levels have dropped, you are now more likely to use what little energy you have in acts of violence against the dumb-asses you will undoubtedly be surrounded by while at work.  Since you are now using your very limited energy in acts of violence, you now have even less available when you have to flee from the police, therefore increasing your chances of incarceration exponentially.  You eat mostly meat, absolutely no rice or bread, and very little if any vegetables.  So you can eat a steak topped with bacon, cheese, and ranch, but you can’t have a fucking apple.  One more big thing about the Atkins diet is this; carbs kinda shape your poop, holds it together.  Without the carbs there you will feel like you are pooping more often, and you are.  But your poops will be more like sawdust instead of the proud bowl crushing turds you were accustomed to dropping before.

So proud, so proud.....

You also have to take multivitamins while on the Atkins diet because you will not be eating veggies which have both vitamins, and carbs.  And tons of water.  You will drink water more than you ever had in your life, but water is cheap, hell it’s free in certain  places.

Tons of this. Remember this stuff?

Now time to describe the Fatkins diet.  Instead of eating fried meats at every meal, you have a low/no carb protein shake for breakfast along with your vitamins and some thermogenics along with a fiber supplement.  “What are thermogenics Mr. Diggler?”  Well let me tell you: fat burners.  Those little pills that increase your body temperature and can make life unbearable if used incorrectly.  You will also be having a shake for lunch, and meat for dinner.  Please take note of the lack of any real food.  You will also be doing 30 minutes to 1 hour of cardio daily.  Because you are taking thermogenics, and working your ass off in the gym you will need to consume enormous amounts of water.  More than you would if on the Atkins diet.  This combination if done correctly will take you straight into the “Unhealthy weight loss” realm.  It’s OK, this is not a long term solution to the size of your ass, but you can do this for a couple of weeks, take a few days off, and go back on for a couple more weeks until you reach your goal weight.  Once you get to your desired size, you now have to use methods such as portion control, exercise, calorie counting, and so on to maintain or improve your shape.

Don't do this..... ever!

You can’t just shotgun a pizza and chase it with a tub of ice cream and expect it NOT to latch onto your belly and or ass.  You have to take control of YOUR diet and YOUR eating habits to maintain any semblance of a good shape.  Oh, and remember that fiber you took in the morning, it not only helps in the weight loss process, but helps those turds become a bit more manageable.  I’ve lost about 20 pounds doing this diet, and it’s time for a short break during which I will gain some weight back.  But back on the diet I got first thing Monday, ready to do it for another round.

Yeah! Bring it bitches, just make sure it has no carbs OK......

And now on to the WTF that undoubtedly lead most readers to this blog.  Feel free to comment.  I respond to each one.

Woman, get my razor! I have to shave my eyeballs now!

Work hard, play harder I guess

Hip hop clothes and maybe fried chicken?

WOW

Ronald-San was kicking The Colonels ass until the Burger King got involved....

Thank you for reading, as I said before, feel free to leave a comment.

Ladies and gentlemen, as it stands, right this second I am free.  Free from the bonds, and tyrannical rule of the Infamous Foot Button.  I can now walk somewhat normal, and stretch my toes without pain.  This is most definitely a good thing.  I’ve been button free for about two weeks now, and I must say that it is, in fact the shit!  In about 3 days my cast will be removed.  I’ll be able to wash my leg and entire foot, and walk more normally.  I’ll be moving up to the space boot from the cast so I’m not out of the woods yet.

Kinda like this....

But more like this….

yeah, nowhere near as cool as the name implies

I can’t wait until I get to wear this travesty as it will be the last step in my surgery recovery that actively hinders my movement, and I need some movement in my life in the worst way.  I could go to lose some weight, and diet only does so much for me.  I need to work out as well, and work out a lot.

 

Diet my ass!!

Either way, I need to get back in the gym, and that begins this week.  I look forward to it.  I’ll I have left to do is check out, and work out.  Consider it done!

 

I'm going to steal all of your shit!

I woke up this morning to Onslow County Sheriffs cars parked across the street from my house.  Apparently some teenagers had gone through all the cars in the area stealing shit.  I mean the fuckers covered some serious ground, they went through two different, yet connected sub-divisions.  They weren’t breaking into cars, but if your car was unlocked they were going to go through your shit.  I’ve been known to leave my car unlocked, but I also leave nothing of value in my car.  This time my car was locked, and none of my nothing was missing.

 

yep, it's all here....

Some of my neighbors weren’t so lucky.  They left some very important things in plain view in an unlocked car.  Shit like this is bound to happen.  I mean if you put it out there people will take advantage of the situation.  The cars have working AUTOMATIC locks on the key chain, working AUTOMATIC locks on the doors, and possibly working ALARM systems, none of which were used.  Makes you wonder how people have anything at all.  We all have our ideas on who we think the thief is.  I don’t know the turds name, but he’s the only teenager I’ve met out here that I’ve damn near put into the ground.  I mean this kid had me hot, I was really gonna send this fucker limping home to his father (a senior Marine, mind you) in hopes that I could beat his ass too if her tried to defend his shit stain son.  He set off my neighbor, then me, and then the other neighbor all within seconds of each other.  He had some of his boys with him, but they clearly did not want 800 pounds of pain coming their way.  My kids were watching me flip out and they started crying thinking I was gonna kill this kid and go to jail.  My wife was worried too untill she heard him say this key phrase “My dad is a Master Sergeant!”.  Sorry son, your gangster membership has been revoked, you are no longer allowed to pretend to be hard, you can’t even make my wife scared of you.  You fail at being gangster.  You fail, so very very bad.

 

"Hurry up mom, take the picture!" "Dudes, we are SOOOO gangster!"

I actually HOPE it’s him, and that one of us catches him.  That will be an asswhippin to remember.  I’d YouTube that shit in a heartbeat!  Let me put up one more fake gangsta picture.  I don’t think you fully understand how NOT gangsta these kids were.

 

Just because I hope he can read, and reads this.

Bitches!

Here is a link to some more fake gangsta pics because seriously, fuck those kids!

http://www.strange-people.com/2010/06/funny-fake-gangsters.html

That’s all I got for today.  I should have more next weekend as I have a birthday, get my cast removed, and return to work this week.  Should be pretty eventful.  I look forward to sharing it with you guys.

And here is some WTF for the road.

 

Walmart trash

The sad part was that the kid drove there because mommy was too drunk.....

crack whore

Why is she famous again?

Google these guys, find them, then burn them to the ground

I got nothin.....

are they out of paper or something?

so excited

You know she is just foaming at the mouth waiting of March 14th!

With that one, don’t let March 14th catch you off guard.  Get your favorite cut of steak lined up, as well as your favorite lip gloss.  Celebrate with style, and enthusiasm.  Feel free to leave a comment folks.  I’m out!

Well ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I return to you once again with yet another blog.  No doubt I will use colorful language, images, and topics throughout this post.  Some of you might be amused.  Some of you might be offended.  Some of you will just take it all in stride.  Some of you will in fact, read the words I have labored to type, and still others will just look at the pictures.  Hey whatever floats your boat, I’m just happy to be here.  No on to the topics at hand.

like a doughnut please.... and this time with some fucking enthusiasm!!!!

As some of you might know I recently posted a blog about Valentine’s Day, and my views of it.  If you hadn’t, allow me to give you a quick refresher.  Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday with no real meaning.  It is yet another way for people to sell a bunch of shit to people who can’t afford them (men), in an attempt to impress someone else (women) in a misplaced gesture of affection.  Valentine’s Day would be completely pointless if you treated your significant others with the love and respect they deserve all year long.  However, in Japan Valentine’s Day is based around showering the MEN with gifts of flowers and chocolate.  The women have White Day which ironically is March 14, in which they are showered with gifts.  The role reversal is refreshing, but in this country/culture there is no role reversal possible because there is no day set aside for men.  Now this is not my idea.  I did n’t come up with this but I stand behind it completely.  Starting this year March 14 needs to be set aside as…… Steak and BJ day.  That’s right.  Steak and BJ day.  The ladies will cook a steak for their man, and hook him up with one of the most selfless acts a woman can perform.

Ladies, stop being so selfish.....

Some might say that I, and other who follow this line of thinking are misogynistic assholes who hate women.  Quite the contrary.  We are the same people who go out of their way to make sure SHE had a memorable Valentine’s day.  We are the flower giving, champaign pouring, meal cooking, foot rubbing guys who show our love and affection on every possible occasion.  All we ask is that you show US some love and appreciation by doing for us.  Nothing about oral sex is nasty in a monogamous relationship.  Nothing is nasty about sex.  We have a pretty ass backward view of sex to begin with, which is shocking considering it’s how we all ended up here.  While we will call out the men to bend over backwards into the range of ridiculous extravagance just to show they love someone else, all we ask in return is the simple act of a good meal, and a BJ.  Yes ladies, please dress sexy, and put some effort into it.  We would for you.  We do for you.  You don’t have to be in a traditional relationship to celebrate Valentine’s Day, nor Steak and BJ day.  Just know your roles and play accordingly.

and yes, doing this is a plus.....

Let’s make March 14th a day we all look forward to, and do it WAY BIG!  On to other business….

The Infamous Foot Button.  I alluded to how a button was sewn on to my foot as part of my most recent surgery.  I never explained what the button was actually there for.

not a button like this....

or this, even though I kinda FEEL that way about it...

not as cool as this....

and definitely not this stupid button....

The button was part of a muscle re-route to make sure things healed correctly.  The surgery itself was to remove a ‘fibrous coalition’.  In other words I was born with fibrous tissue bonding two bones in my foot/ankle together.  This limited the range of motion my foot had.  The limited range of motion let to MANY ankle sprains, and ultimately tons of scar tissue, and arthritis in my foot.  After they removed the naughty fibrous tissue they needed something to fill the gap to make sure it didn’t grow back… enter the Infamous Foot Button.  The took some muscle and stretched it into the gap.  In order to hold it there long enough to heal over, they weaved sutures into in, and anchored them to the button on the bottom of my foot.  “But Dirty… how did they get the stitches to the button?” you may ask.  Big ass needles through my foot is the answer.  They literally stabbed two really big needles through my foot to run the stitches to the button.  Crazy shit, I know.  Don’t believe me, here is a pic….

The horror!!!!

I thought that damn button fell off and I had to rush to the doctor’s office to have my cast removed (HELL YEAH!!), only to find that the button was very much still in place.  I begged the doctor to leave the cast off, I felt so liberated, I was looking forward to… I don’t know….. wash my fucking filthy ass foot.  Either way I was denied by the medical professional in charge and on went a new cast.  I will go through this exact evolution again on Wednesday when I see the actual surgeon that worked on me, and I still go back into a cast for two more weeks.  The price of good health I guess……

Maybe it’s just me.  Probably it’s just me.  Am I the only one who runs into immense amounts of censorship on social networking sites?  I’ve had a whole account on MySpace cancelled, and I’ve just recently had a valid cause shut down without even a note from the site.  The MySpace thing went down years ago… you know, like before MySpace was a haven for child molesters and children in a rush to be molested (I can’t understand why a young girl would fake her age to be with a 30+ year old man, that’s the connection I make in my mind.  Don’t get offended, or do, I don’t care either way.) but it sucked to lose an account.  It’s like having your identity taken from you by some faceless asshole.

different process and your will NEVER forget the faces of those assholes!

The FaceBook incident was just today.  The cause was to spread the word on Steak and BJ Day.  A worthy cause if there ever was one.  I don’t put it up there with cancer research but it’s better than some of the other bullshit causes they allow.  I had just created the cause.  It was picking up momentum.  I was on my way to my goal to making this a reality, and it was all taken away, just like that.  Needless to say I’m a little pissed, but was it all me?  Did I simply choose the wrong forum for this cause?  We will see.  Here is the link to the new FB page dedicated to it.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-For-the-Celebration-of-March-14-Steak-and-BJ-Day/201560426521345?v=wall&sk=wall

Either way, these site have led to a generation of socially retarded people who seem to think their opinion matters (and yes I see the irony of that statement), especially Twitter.  So if you see the following icons, take heed and move with trepidation, because they all kinda suck….

easy to plug into, impossible to unplug from..

if you STILL use this site, you are going to hell for touching children... you nasty bastard!

The root word is twit. Few statements containing only 140 characters can be important..... just sayin...

And now time for the customary visual assault of WTF I’ve come accustomed to putting at the end of my blog.  Enjoy and be sure to leave a comment!

Actual statue in Korea...

for the avid fisherman I guess....

Japan, the undisputed champion of WTF

just in case you were about to argue my last caption...

you can't unsee any of this!

and yes, this blog is the shiznit

Today I will blog about another person who had a dramatic effect on my life.  This person is Sgt. Kenny Perkins, or better yet… Sgt. Kenny Perkins’ mustache.  I remember that mustache being two distinct thing… Big, and red, and horrible.  So three things.  From the moment we saw that horrible creature perched atop Kenny’s lip, we felt FORCED to ridicule him.  We had to purge that thing from our plane of existence lest it attempt a bid at world domination.  For about a week, another Sgt, and I took the time to apply peer pressure to Kenny in an attempt to shave that THING.  I would go so far as to say we were so effective that he contacted his mother for confirmation to what he already knew.  ” You will never have a mustache like your father Kenny” she said.  To which we said “Who’s your dad, Yosemite Sam?!”  You may wonder what the creature I described looks like so you may banish it as well if you ever happen upon it.  I have enclosed a picture……

pay no attention to the man the 'stache is controlling, and try not to look directly into it's eyes.... it may seize your soul......

The ‘stache by itself…..

It normally consumes human souls, but every once and a while it goes for rabbit.

I have also included a picture of Kenny’s dad….. I think.

artist's depiction

Notice any resemblance?

In all honesty Sgt. Kenny Perkins is not a bad guy at all.  Once you look past that he’s from “New England” and is a “Patriots” fan, he’s not a bad guy.  He has had his fair share of bad luck as all of would have.  His reactions however were all his.  I will not get into any of that because I don’t know enough about them to sound remotely intelligent.  I will say this, Kenny, just like the mighty cockroach is indestructible and will outlive us all.

Now onto other things.

I recently had my ankle surgery as of last Friday.  I am currently in a cast and I have been told NOT to put weight on it.  I have already been to one follow up with my doctor and I was not prepared for what I saw when I saw my foot for the first time after surgery.

not a zombie foot... not yet

That cut is WAY bigger than I expected, but that was nothing compared to what was on the bottom of my foot….

dude.... it's a button.... on my foot.... what?

Yes, that little circular thing is a button sewn onto my foot.  BUTTON SWEN ONTO MY FOOT!  I still can’t get over that.  I have metal cables in my shoulder holding things together, but since I can’t see them it’s not big deal.  The button, however temporary is right there.  It’s simply too much for me to completely wrap my mind around at this point.  Other than that, my foot is pretty painless.  I can feel the suture itch every once and a while but no real pain.  I can’t complain about that at all.  Good job doctor!

My employment arrangement post Marine Corps are working out just fine.  Looks like I will not only have a job, but be well paid just as I was planning on.  Well, here’s to 10 years of planning and just having it fall in your lap.

OH HELL YEAH!!!

Rude people of the Wal-Mart parking lot, I have an announcement to make:  Even on these crutches, pending separation from the Marine Corps, fat and black, I am and always will be better than you.  As you drive SPEED by in your late 90’s POS vehicle making eye contact while not letting me cross the road remember this.  Your acting like an asshole won’t fill the hole in your soul where your parents/spouse/drug addiction/what-fucking-ever lies.  You are wasting my beloved oxygen, and I demand you stop immediately.  That is all, carry on.

If that box could drive, it would frequent Wal-Mart.

Yes, that is a 4 pack of douches she is holding.  I fucking hate going to Wal-Mart…..

they have a parody website for a reason......

Well that’s all for today.  There is always more I could talk about but today I keep it short.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Oh and here’s your reward for finishing this blog…..

yeah... my thoughts exatcly....

If you have ANY idea is to what in the hell is going on in this pic feel free to leave a comment.  I you have NO idea, and just want to leave a comment, go right ahead.  Holy crap!

This blog will be exactly what the title indicates; random rants, and rumblings.  Pretty much any topic I wish to write on, I will write on, in whatever manner I see fit.  Sit back, grab a tasty adult beverage and enjoy the moment.

1:  Apparently putting a picture of a horrible looking female body builder in the nude, and Ke$ha will put your blog hits into the veritable stratosphere.  I had a max of 60 hits in one day prior to my last post.  It was the one about me being an asshole and how that was OK.  I consider that one to be one of my best blogs to date.  But when you crest the 100 hit mark twice, hover at 90, and chill at 60 everyday since you have either written a magnificent piece of work, or The Google is directing them to you because of certain buzzwords.  My blog tools allows me to see how people end up on my page, and I can tell you that it is the latter.  I have mixed feeling about this.  I like the fact that I THINK I’m getting some exposure, but it’s not the way I would like to have it.  For those of us who have not sold their souls to the devil, we would like to known for the content of the work, not the packaging, but it is what it is and I will continue to do my thing.  I did however consider re-posting the two pictures in question, but decided against it because it was a stupid idea.

Sooooooo, anyone got any souls to sell? No one huh? Back to slapstick I go.......

2:  Skinny jeans need to go away ASAP!  I don’t know who brought those horrible pants to the mainstream, I don’t know who the hell thinks they are “gangsta”, and to be honest I don’t fucking care.  In my life, these are the people who normally wore what are now called skinny jeans; Cowboys: they called them wranglers because ranch work, and horse riding required semi form fitting clothing that would not get snagged on things, because getting snagged on things could mean death.  Rock Stars:  This is a carry over from the U.K.  These people wore make up, had big hair, had random sexual encounters a plenty (and I cannot emphasize RANDOM enough), took drugs that I still don’t know exist, and died at a fairly young age of either OD or disease.  Women:  Women wore them because they want to feel sexy, and have people sneak peeks at their asses.  Don’t dare stare though, that would be rude and offensive to fully recognize their efforts at ass glorification.  Then something happened.  The whole Emo thing started and overprivileged teenage douche-bags started wearing their sister’s pants with white belts for reasons that escape me.  They went mainstream but even then most people knew skinny jeans were for the aforementioned groups and wore normal clothing as Emo Kids were all pretty much gay, and therefore not to be taken seriously.  “It’s just a phase” parents would tell themselves.  But somehow skinny jeans not only invaded the rest of mainstream American society, but Hip Hop as well.  So now we have “Thugs” sagging their jeans talking about how “gangsta” their 33 slims are.  What the fuck just happened?  Did I miss a nationwide bulletin encouraging this type of dress?  Are codpieces going to make a comeback too?  I don’t know, but I hope not.  People, do your own damn thing, dress how you want to, but dress like damned man.  Stop wearing your sister’s pants you little retards.  It’s bad when Miller Light slams you and you have no legitimate response. 3:  This damn computer that I’m typing on right now has wasted so much of my time, that I want to take it and set in on fire.  I worked on this machine for over 4 day straight.  4 days!  That’s longer than most people are married these days.  I learned quite a bit from it though so I can’t complain too much, but I will try, oh boy I will try.  Bad hard drives, bad DVD RW, bad bootleg copy of windows.  Talk about a ghost in the machine!  I had to swim through all that bullshit to get to where I am now with my computer.  Fortunately, the last decade of  my life has been focused on this exact type of scenario.  Is it bad software, bad hardware, or both?  That’s what I do for a living.  I do it with much different systems, but the method does not change.  You have to ask yourself “does that shit even make sense?” when you see an issue.  Then you have to ask yourself “Am I about to seriously fuck this up?” before you take action.  It’s a delicate balance of skill knowledge, and luck, but hey life is a gamble, roll the damned dice!

this is after the binary code somehow slipped a 2 into the mix. Cheeky bastard!

4:  No days like snow days.  I have been home with my thumb in my ass for the last 2 days because Jacksonville cannot handle snow.  At all.  Ever.  You may have read my blog on what happens out here when it rains and see the authorities acting out of safety by shutting the base down.  I say let them drive so we can kill off the dumb ones.  If you don’t have the sense to NOT drive like asshole in bad weather then you, AND whoever was dumb enough to get into the car with you need to die.  I know, strong words right?  Try diving out here on a normal workday, you will soon share these feelings.  But on the good side of things, I’ve been able to take an extra 4 days of leave.  Spend some time with the family, and be annoyed by my two oldest daughters in way I never imagined.  Good times.

See how it's the ONLY car involved? I'm willing to bet they were driving like assholes.

5:  My wife had her birthday recently.  I’m not going to even attempt to take away from another glorious year in my wife’s life.  But it is right after Christmas.  It is so hard to put on an encore gift giving performance after a concert like Christmas, but I pull it off every year.  At least I think I do.  I’m am fortunate that our anniversary is in April, because if it were January, or February I’d have to sell organs to afford it.  This year I mad a Big Red cake.  If you have never heard of a Big Red cake, it’s basically a cake with Jello in it.  It’s not that hard to make but timing is key.  I topped said cake with home made strawberry whipped cream frosting.  Eriko was happy, the girls were happy, so I was happy.  I would not trade those times for the world.

Happy Birthday Eriko!! We will have many more together.

6:  The end is near for my military career.  I have one more surgery, some separations classes, and most importantly future employment that must be arranged.  I have a good feeling about 2011 so I’m not to worried about it, but just in case…… if you know someone who’s hiring, shoot me a line.  You can never have too many opportunities to succeed.

not as dramatic, but why not?!

7:  There are several no talent idiots that continue to absorb way too much of the media’s time, and therefore as media subscribers, too much of our time.  1. Sarah Palin is an idiot.  She is an ignorant close minded individual who has no place in the Federal Government as she has no clue how it actually works.  She is however NOT the Devil as some would have you believe.  She is a wife, and a mother just like the ones we know, and she hadn’t spent much time away from home to learn of the world, which is painfully obvious whenever she speaks.  That sounds familiar, sorta like most of the folks in Jacksonville.  I recently saw a column linking her to a tragic shooting in AZ because she tweeted “don’t retreat, reload”  I remember this tweet and the context it was used in, and the linking was completely unjustified.  So, media folks, if you don’t like her simply stop reporting on her.  I’m tired of hearing about her.  She is a normal white American, just like the jackasses in Jacksonville, nothing more.  2. Paris Hilton should have never been famous, I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies a very publicized, and spectacular death.  3.  Perez Hilton is a fucking faggot!  Now by no means do I hate gay people.  You are free to do with your life as you choose.  However please do us all a favor and don’t try to force your lifestyle on others.  Just because someone’s opinion doesn’t match yours does not mean that you should go out of your way to ruin them.  I didn’t forget what happened when Miss California answered a loaded question about gay marriage, and you flew off the handle and pretty much stripped her of her crown.  Not cool.  That takes you beyond simply being gay, but to being a faggot, which in my mind as a hateful gay person.  It works both ways Mr. Hilton, if you want people to respect you and your lifestyle you need to respect theirs, deal with it.  4. Lindsey Lohan is hideous and I cannot understand the publics infatuation with her.  She is the same as any other girl her age that was raised without ever being held accountable.  She has issues, and I’m cool with that.  Please media folks, let them stay HER issues.  I don’t fucking care if she got wasted in rehab.  I commend her on her resourcefulness.

I dare you to get on her level!

5. Any other celebrity not actively HELPING people with their money and power.  Did I mention George Cloony on my list?  No.  Do you know why?  Because if it weren’t for him America would not even know the genocide in Darfur was happening.  Did I mention Oprah?  No, as much as gets on my nerves, she is helping girls in Africa get an education that otherwise would never see the outside of a school let alone the inside of one.  Bill Gates, Dennis Leary, and several other all do some pretty impressive charity work with their earnings.  I applaud those people and I support them, I suggest you do the same.  I didn’t even mention all the athletes doing good work because all I ever hear about is the next two people I want to see vanish off the planet.  6. Terrell Owens, and Chad Ochocinco have absorbed more media coverage than they deserve.  They were overpaid underachievers on a horrible football team that sucked all year long, but no matter how bad the team sucked, there they are.  “how will they react to that last pick?”, “I wonder how they feel about this losing streak”, “should I still have my popcorn at the ready?”.  I have your answers: pissed, really pissed, and put the popcorn away.

Hey T.O. I bet I can drop more passes than you! I bet you can't Chad. Let's have a contest to find out.....

That’s all I have today ladies and gentlemen of the internet.  I hope you enjoyed the blog.  Here is your reward for reading to the end.  Have a great day.

After skinny jeans, this will be the hottest shit on the streets

Feel free to leave a comment.