Archive for January, 2012


Per my last blog dated yesterday, you should know that I’m currently in a holding pattern in Ali Al Salem LSA in Kuwait.  First let me share my feelings on the country: not a fan. At. All.  Kuwait has all the allure of the grandmother who had the plastic on the furniture that was so un-goddamned-comfortable, and FORCED you to sit on it while she watched her stories. (soap operas)  While living here, I did a total of 0 fun things, because this country simply outlawed all fun.  There is no alcohol, no porn, and everything is super expensive.  I mean you can find alcohol and porn, but then the Kuwaiti secret police come and take you away.  To where?  Nobody knows…….

"You hear that? Sounds like fun." "C'mon man, we gotta job to do..."

But I digress…… Ali Al Salem honestly has nothing to do except eat, sleep, poop, and occasionally laundry.  It’s simply where diets go to die.  On top of that there are no TRUE buildings here, just tents and modular structures.  It seems like they set this place up to last like 6 months, then decided it was hellish enough to make sure no one would get comfortable here and try to stay longer than they had to.  I swear, I’ve done NOTHING since I’ve been here!  Not a damned thing!  This is just like the other two times I’ve been here, bleh!

 

I'm going to start doing this, just to have something to do.....

Now, allow me to extol the virtues of my favorite YouTube “channel?”.  Action Figure Therapy.  (http://actionfiguretherapy.com/) It’s the G.I. Joe action figures you grew up with monologing about their problems, and they has some serious problems.

 

This is Jungle Recon. You will learn to love him and his quirks.

 

There are a few characters, notably; Angry Ranger, Jungle Recon, Snow Patrol, Action Figure Therapy Marine (my favorite), Comm Tech, Injun Joe with his eagle named Eagle, the Office Manager , and several other of little to no consequence.  They are all voiced by comedians who never served a single day in the military, but I have to wonder about that with the in depth knowledge of how the military actually works.  Everything from the cluster-fuck that is the command, to the general Marine-ness of the Marine character.  I swear, these videos are what keep me from smiting soldiers on a daily basis, or should I say KEPT me from smiting soldiers on a daily basis.  The bastards blocked YouTube and pretty much all other forms of video on Kandahar about two weeks ago.  I normally wouldn’t have any issues with this, but one of the biggest reasons I didn’t blog for the last few months was that the internet in the rooms fucking sucks!  Trying to download pictures is a huge ordeal, trying to download a 2-6 minute video would probably send me into a no-shit “fit of rage”.  There are so many things to be pissed about, but I try no to let it get to me.  I have an awesome group of people I smoke cigars with on a damn near daily basis.  I will have to post a blog about the Kandahar Koughers and it’s motley cast of characters that keep me going even after THEY FUCKING BLOCKED action figure therapy.  Thank you for your time.  Feel free to comment, I like comments!

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last posted something.  This has been due to a combination of shitty internet speeds, censorship, and laziness (one leads to the other in this case).  I’m back in Kuwait in a holding pattern trying to get into Iraq.  “Why are you going to Iraq Dirty?”  Good question!  “I thought all the troops left Iraq.”  Very astute of you!  “I need answers damnitt!”  Hold your horses, I will explain.  I was/am going to Iraq to fill in for someone who had to go home for a family emergency, mainly because I’m a team player but also because I’ve never been there.  I was supposed to just fly right in and start work, but that is not how it’s been going.  Apparently Iraq has been making the visa process rather painful as part of their “WE ARE A REAL COUNTRY” campaign.  They even snatched up a couple of Blackwater guys and held them for a while for not having the proper papers.  I am not in a rush to be held in the custody of the Iraqi equivalent of ICE/INS.  Being deported could have positive repercussions (free trip home) but I am not in a rush to go through all that BS.

Notice how Iraq is the chewy center of what I like to call "Super Happy Fun Land"

Either way, because we are NOT trying to get apprehended and/or deported we are TRYING to apply for the Iraqi visa.  The problem lies in the fact that the Iraqis don’t quite know what the hell they are doing at this point.  They are taking forever to process any visas, and they seem to change the rules quite often.  This is in fact quite a showstopper.  It’s really not that bad of a situation to be in though.  I’m not getting rockets shot at me in the “stan, but I’m not at home on my couch either.  This place is a real purgatory.  Neither here, nor there, and because of that it sucks.  Best case is that I get to go and help this guy out so he can go home and take care of his business.  Worst case is that I go back to the ‘stan.  There really isn’t a loss in any of this.  Oh, silly me!  I forgot to recap the last FOREVER in how I ended up here.  I think my last post was from my apartment in Kuwait.  Well, I lot has gone down since then.

"My" "Living Room" I had to share it with another guy, who is another post altogether.

I have since found my way to Afghanistan under employment of ITT on the MST in Bagram.  I worked there for about a month when I was sent south to Kandahar to do an install.  The install itself is a whole new post due to the amount of fail I experienced while working for/with the army.  So there I am in Kandahar feverently trying to undo all the fail the army buried itself under when a strange man walks into the facility and asks the question to end all questions…. “Who wants a job?”  Of course I, neck deep in army fail reply “I want a job.” From that point I am interviewed, the resume is submitted, I am vetted by several people, and ultimately hired.  I then go back to Bagram and submit my resignation (2 week notice) and immediately start catching hell from ITT management.  So here I am, trying to do right by the company, and they are fucking with me. So not cool.  Fortunately, we had collectively foresaw this happening and was set for an immediate hire.  Being as ITT decided to act like a bag of dicks, I re-submitted my resignation effective immediately. (That’ll teach them turds!)

It should say "Engineered to suck" Worst. Company. Ever.

After some rigorous on the job training from the boss, I am left to my own devices as he takes a quick vacation.  He did leave another guy there to help me out, but he was more of a suicide watch than anything else.  The first couple of days on my own, I was overly caffeinated, on edge, and petrified of failure.  After a few days I calmed down and was able to get things done.  Since I survived my trial by fire (I swear this is the only way my life operates…) I was welcomed into the family formally.  I then took my spot in Kandahar and have been there since.  I have gotten quite a bit done, but I need to reach the level of the boss man where I can make anything happen that I need to happen.  It takes time, but that is one of my goals.

It's time for the Big Time!

I’m not gonna lie.  Sometimes army officers like to shit on contractors, and when I say sometimes, I mean all the time.  But eventually they all come to their senses and request my help.  Most times I just smile knowing that they act out of jealousy and resentment.  My inner Marine keeps me professional, but my inner asshole keeps track.  I will have mine, whether it be on payday or some other occasion, but I will have mine.  Thank you for your time in reading this blog.  Drive safely!